If you have kids you’ll understand what follows. If you don’t, you’ll probably be horrified. Rated 
for less-than-good-parent language.
I have 3 kids. A 4 year old. A five year old. An eight year old. Dark days indeed. The fighting, whining, disrespect, property damage – all come part and parcel to parenting young children – regardless of what mad skills you might have in your quiver.
Of course I don’t hate my kids, nobody really does. We just feel, let’s say, a very strong dislike towards them from time to time. What’s funny/interesting is the difference between how we feel about them when they’re “good,” and how we feel about them when they’re not. We get warm feelings when they’re playing nice, eating all their food, cleaning up, loving their siblings, sleeping – and very different feelings when they’re doing things that anger us. They’re not so cute anymore. The mere sight of them brings up feelings of disgust. You’d think we’d just get a little frustrated but it goes way deeper than that for most parents.
When you have kids it’s not long before they’ll push a “button,” some unhealed wound or two that you carry inside – something that happened long ago at the hands of another human that you haven’t quite put to bed yet. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have multiple places in their soul where they’re still hurt. I do know tons of people who’ll tell you they’ve dealt with it all – “moved on” – but most of us haven’t.
I have a friend who experienced something horrible years ago. She told me she gave herself two years to grieve, then she got over it. Sounds great, but it doesn’t work that way. It’s likely that we’ll take so many of our buttons to the grave, mainly because we have no respect whatsoever for how deep they are. The cutesy moniker “buttons” betrays how clueless we are to their severity.
Either way, when our kids push our buttons it hurts, and it’s easy to see these little button-pushing fuckers as enemies – people who don’t care about us, against whom we have to defend ourselves – that’s how we respond when we feel hurt. That’s why kids appear different when they’ve done something that’s not only wrong, but rubs its finger in our unhealed areas. That’s why we lose our shit at some of the shit they pull. We’re on the defensive. We’re retaliating, many times in ways that will create the same buttons in them that we’ve been wandering through adulthood with.
In the past, when other people have pushed our buttons, we’ve been able to distance ourselves, or break the relationship altogether. But you can’t do that with kids, we have to stay engaged.
My eight year old did something small yesterday that made me very angry. When I drop her off at school she gets out of our minivan through the sliding door on the passenger side. She usually can’t close the door herself so I always ask her to close it enough so I can reach it from the driver’s seat and slide it the rest of the way.
Yesterday am She got out of the car, stood and looked at me as I said “goodbye, have a nice day at school.” It had been a tough morning – we were all a bit edgy. “Please slide the door a little bit my way so I can reach it, honey.” She slid the door a couple centimeters and walked off. “Hey, please get back here and close the door.” A couple more centimeters. I shot her a dirty look, got out of my seat, closed the door. She walked off. Button. Pushed.
I sat in the car and watched her walk away. Usually when I do this I think about how much I love her, but this am all I could think about was retaliation. But my hard-core negative feelings for her had nothing to do with what just went down, and everything to do with my buttons, which unfortunately, had just called the shots in a difficult situation.
This was one of those rare mornings however when I stopped to think about what really happened – what was underneath it all. Sure, she was intentionally disrespectful, and we dealt with that later, but she’s a good kid. She’s not my enemy, and there’s no misbehavior that we can’t work through.
Thinking about my buttons above her infraction brought me peace and forgiveness, for both of us, and a greater vision for how to make sure my kids are always beautiful to me.
Interesting topic that could really have chapters to it including one very large one on ‘buttons.’. We always love our kids, but the reality is they are their own little beings with their own personalities. We don’t like all humans, but we expect more of ourselves when they are our kids. Sounds like you have a good perspective on it, and don’t worry about it. Kids tend to go through phases as they grow up – you are their hero, they hate you, they tolerate you, they like you, then all of a sudden you are too old and you’re back to being tolerated. Just keep a good sense of humor and you’ll make it down that bumpy road of parenting. 🙂
Thanks Judy, I appreciate the encouragement
Your right ….kids do teeter on the balence of love and here with their parents. .. the one thing I can say i that in adulthood when they begin to have children of their own, they will begin to understand
That is some hard truth. You articulated the hard parts of parenting SO well here, and I find myself searching for words, so I’m just gonna leave and marinate on it a bit. The short: I relate to everything you wrote.
“Either way, when our kids push our buttons it hurts, and it’s easy to see these little button-pushing fuckers as enemies – people who don’t care about us, against whom we have to defend ourselves – that’s how we respond when we feel hurt.”
You would better serve your purpose, your audience, and God by selecting from the myriad other words that could be used to convey your sentiments rather than dropping an ‘f’ bomb. Intelligent people who use profanity to make a point puzzle me.
You can do better.
No offense, in my 30 something years of being Evangelical, I find that people who can hear/express the occasional F bomb are more sensitive to God than those who won’t tolerate it – those folks usually have a mountain of things they won’t tolerate.
You just took time out of your day to read a post, but all you heard was a word that offends you. No other thoughts?
“Bad words” are externals at worst, you should try to look bast them. Either way, I’ve met a ton of committed, world-changing Christians who enjoy the occasional spicy language – I don’t think it’s as evil as you do.
However, based on other comments you’ve made on this blog (which I appreciate by the way), you’re probably an exception to my self imposed “rule.” Sorry that I get so defensive when someone tries to correct – working on that.
Blessings
Mark
I think it’s funny when Christians are offended by swear words. I try not to use them because I don’t like to offend, but they don’t offend me at all. An appropriate placed F bomb is sometimes funny. I had a “friend” from a former church we attended who got so offended that I liked this meme of a cold front which looked like a middle finger blowing through the northern part of the Midwest. I thought it was funny because I live in the coldest state (or one of them) and I get sick of the weather here. So I need to laugh sometimes because this weather affects my mood and mental state. After getting to know this person better, she had a long list of judgments: kids who play Xbox, Halloween participation, dads who watch sports, moms who work…she couldn’t be more judgmental! So I agree with your assessment. Thanks for being real.
I agree with you, I don’t throw it around all over the place, but with kids we’re all thinking it, might as well say it.
So appreciate your thoughts.
Lol yes we are!!
I appreciate the F bomb. As a parent I can totally relate! As soon as I saw your F bomb I knew that you were a genuine, honest person I can relate to.
Thanx. Yeah, I think folks from my camp have become too focused on being “clean” and have forgotten how important it is to be relevant
Actually, I read a book about the history of swearing (called “Holy Sh*t: A Brief History of Swearing” by Melissa Mohr) and for whatever reason, throughout history—swearing was and is still a way to cope and make humans feel better. It is a release that is much better to the alternative, which is physical violence. Besides, it states that the f-word is not even so much of a big deal anymore. It has become almost part of the everyday language. Think about how in the past many words were taboo if spoken or mentioned in public media (I kid you not: “ankle” was one of the words!). I don’t use the f-word often but it doesn’t affect me now when I hear or read it, as it used to in the past.
LMAO….
[shaking head]
Having survived my kids’ entire childhood and teenage years, I can really relate to this post. So many parents are afraid to admit that there are ever times when they don’t absolutely adore their offspring. My kids were experts at pushing buttons, usually when my defenses were down to begin with. Did I love them with all my heart? Of course. But were there times I [almost] wished they would be taken away from me and spirited off to that Perfect Other Family? Afraid so.
Enjoy this re-blog!
Thanx! Appreciate your thoughts
Thanks for sharing this, CM – that’s how I got here 🙂
Mark – all so true! Both the ‘love ’em’ and ‘hate ’em’ parts. I distinctly remember wanting to ‘throw both of ’em through the picture window’! I didn’t,though, and they survived whatever they were doing and I was feeling, and so did I.
So glad 🙂 Thanx for stopping by and for your thoughts.
Mark
I don’t have kids of my own but remember someone’s offspring really upset them, and then accused them of not loving them.
The reply was ‘I will always love you, no matter what, but at the moment I just don’t like you very much’.
It’s always stuck with me.
Yeah – same thing happens for the kids – we push their. Irons all the time. Unfortunately
Absolutely. There’s a huge difference between disliking a person and an action. It’s always helpful to be clear to a child that you do not agree or like their actions, as opposed to ‘them.’
Loved this. I’m reblogging it tomorrow for my weekly faves, if you don’t mind. My husband and I are a blended family with 6 kids. 3, 6, 8, 9, 12 and 14 so I can may definitely relate 😀
Hey. Yeah – thanx!!!
It’s good to have gained such a perspective. It might help you when your children become teenagers! LOL
Ha! Doubt it – I’m a walking button factory :). Good to hear from you this am
Yep, sounds about right. Ha!
So darn true!!
Everyone is expressing experiences with their little ones or teens. How about when your fully grown daughter has to move into your house temporarily. I’ve really had to come to terms with some of the feelings that she has been evoking in me lately, mostly by acting like an immature kid who has to be told to do the same things that I went through when she was a kid I’ve been hating her a lot lately until I realized how it has been destroying my peace. But I never would have used the word “hate” until today. Thanks. Knowing and allowing myself to speak the truth surely makes me free.
Good – yeah, I think this actually applies to all relationships, not just with small kids, and not just with family.
I havent at any stage moved back home but i have had the horrid experience of having to live near my parents….
The biggest problem wasnt my behaviour but their invasive imposing attitude that it was somehow their right to parent a 25 year old who had 3 kids and her own crap to deal with……..
Back off you may enjoy having her around more again if you do….
My parents have done nothing but lament the fact that i have little to nothing to do with them since.
And i have given them regular second chances over the years.
it gets easier the older they get….although the buttons don’t just get pushed they get POUNDED as they hit puberty as they tested EVERYTHING and they will keep coming back to test it again and again and again……..but the older we all get us and them….we learn and practice how to deal with it a little better….
and you will also see that decade of work you put into teaching them coming through in spite of the feisty attitude you get back….don’t sweat the attitude…that’s small stuff….if they bring questions to you and talk to you when they aren’t giving you attitude then that’s all that matters….
and really a bit of bite to their attitude will get them a long way in the long run….we can’t expect them to ALWAYS obey exactly how we would like…and if they did that for every employer they will quickly be exploited.
You’re right – and thanx for the encouragement about the later years. My wife and I really worry about the coming teen tsunami.
Tsunami is what it is….but do your work early and it will make a difference
God I hope you’re right. Was that your experience?
yes it is…..life is Hard….you have good times and bad times…make the most of the good times….it will see you through the bad times….
you might want to check our my latest post.
will do – thanx
Lol you found a REALLY old one. It feel through they cancelled the course i was the only person to apply in the entire region. And i was informed yesterday for the 5th time in 10 years that my condition is detoriarating. I will never work again i wont get better its a one way road.
I really am sorry to hear that. Sounds like you have a ton of courage.
I try not to let situations overwhelm and just focus on the immediate and what can be done and chip away at things that way….chop up the elephant.
its no great loss I then enrolled in psychology and had to withdraw any way because he had taken on a duel degree and predictably had another breakdown and was hospitalized…again
na
try this….Trust me….focus on what is in front of you….invest in the right ways at every opportunity and you will get through ANYTHING…..
Let me put it to you this way…..
I may be a cripple….
But we have a House, My kids have received the support and help they have needed when they have most needed it
if my health hadn’t imploded. I would still be in Darwin, I would still be working 16 hour days, I would have a $500 000 -$700 000 mortgage demanding that I work those 16 hour days 7 days a week to ensure they had a roof.
I would not see the signs of my children needing the help they needed due to exhaustion and simply not being there for the sake of financially providing for them in a city which is simply unaffordable.
I would not have seen beyond the bare surface of the manipulations and control tactics of their father and they would remain in a shared care situation for all of the last 11 years with a man who would eventually be charged with child sex offences….
it was rough we went through hell……but DUE to my health collapsing and our life falling apart…..
I am where God and my children need me to be…..When they need me to be there…..To see what I need to see, to do what is needed to be done.
Obviously it isn’t time for me yet. He wants me here.
I have seen parents who seem like they absolutely love and adore their kids. They think they are AMAZING! The greatest kids ever!
As a father of 5 I love my kids but sometimes wonder why I am not smitten with them. God truly uses them to sanctify me and probably vice versa …maybe that is why I have 5…I need lots of sanctification.
I try to keep focused on the goal – love and equip them to love the Father. Not always an easy job for sure.
I know tons of people like that too. One couple in particular who surprised me at their house one day when she called her kids fuckers. Sort of helped me to realize I’m not alone. The pain is real my friend, for all of us 🙂
Nice piece. I am not a parent, but it gave some insight to why some pretty average infractions sent my mother off the rails. As kids grow, even as adults, it’s hard to see your parents as people with pasts, wounds, issues. They spent your whole lifetime tricking you into thinking they were always right and had all the answers. 🙂
Veeery interesting… You have shed enormous light on what it may have been like for my parents. So many of their words, responses, actions, now make sense. Maybe it had a little to do with me and what I was doing at the time, but some really dramatic behaviour on their part was more likely about their buttons and unresolved pockets of hurt tucked away because they refused to acknowledge it still existed. And I always knew it that hurt affected who they were and their stories… but I didn’t make the connection that it also played a part in their parenting. Thank you for sharing!
You bet. One of the hardest things for me was to let my parents off the hook for the stuff that went down when I was younger. They had it way harder than I did. I’m sure I’ll appreciate them more when I find out all the different ways I’ve screwed my kids up…
WOW, this is good. I chose not to be a parent, so maybe I subconsciously knew this stuff ahead of time. I sure wish it were true that we could determine, make happen, the duration and completion of healing “buttons”. And aren’t you brilliant to note that “buttons” may sound cute, but it doesn’t describe at all the raw, suppurating wound within.
Yeah, I think as Westerners (sorry, making assumptions about where you’re from) we’re so good at giving cute labels to really difficult things. “Stress” is my favorite one. It’s really fear, deep fear, but we don’t want to call it that, so we come up with things like “stress relief,” etc that never work. Thanx for your thoughts.
Mark
I’m in the Pac NW, USA–“stress relief”, what a joke! It’s denial, ingrained in our culture–we think we can make things “nicer” and easier, if we just call them something palatable. It doesn’t work at all, just makes us sicker, “more stressed”–God has a full time job, just trying to get us healed.
Yep – right on the money – and get us less scared – at least a little less scared than we were yesterday…
The problem with trying to sell Denial is that there are customers too smart to buy–so they’re still scared, and now feel betrayed by deceit on top of the fear. Truth is so much easier to deal with, even if it’s horrible truth.
By the way, I want to thank you for something: I’ve spent 60-some years wondering why my mom despised/”hated” me. At long last I have some small comfort in that, maybe it wasn’t me–maybe I just pushed every freaking one of her buttons, and never wittingly. Too bad she wasn’t able to tell me what they were, as I’d have bent over even further backwards to avoid the mutual pain. Seriously, thank you!
You bet – I’m touched that this helped you. Having compassion for what my parents experienced growing up has been really freeing for me on a lot of different levels.
I can imagine it has.
I get along much better with my kids since they’ve moved out, and we have less access to each others’ buttons. I miss them, especially my youngest, who is 22, but now I can enjoy her company more and it’s up to her how messy her room is and how she spends her time. I’m enjoying the fresh honesty here at your place, Mark. Glad you found me, so I could find you!
great description that so many people relate to. I myself have no children, but have enough experience and observation that I know what you are talking about and of course i too have my buttons (pushed otherways) and been a “good” button pusher myself. I think these deep wounds never completely go away and the “solution” or healing lies in how we deal with the hurt in the moment or later. You were lucky that she was on her way to school. No time for a long button pushing match and time for mulling and letting that energy flow (for both, consciously and unconsciously). The not so unimportant fact that “….and we dealt with that later…” is to me, a HUGE key in 1. acknowledging / not ignoring the emotional intensity of a moment (for you) and 2. dealing with it in order to come to an understanding and perhaps avoiding old and new patterns being repeated as well as creating new buttons for the child, created by hurt/anger/retaliation.
Thought provoking. I have a little loveable brat of seven and I can relate.
7’s tough. The melt-down’s get much more strategic.
I can so thoroughly relate that I don’t even know what end of the list to start from 🙂
Ha, yeah, long list here too. Funny and not-so-funny
It starts with us as parents. We have to question ourselves and ask the hard questions of our hearts. Why does this bother me? Why am I so angry? We need to wrestle with God sometimes to understand why we struggle with this kid. I have a daughter who is so much like me it’s annoying. But I have been learning and realized I just don’t like myself. I feel unlovable and unworthy most days. I feel miserable. And when my kids act up, it’s sort of like another rejection for me. I start feeling worthless as a mom. I have to take a deep breath and say what’s true. “My daughter is intense. I am intense. But we love each other and we will be ok”. Otherwise I start blaming myself and speaking things about her that are fatalistic. I am learning to honor her with my words. And in the process, I need to honor myself and remind myself that God is with me and for me. My kids are not the enemy and I am not a worthless parent. I don’t hate them. I hate what sin does to my heart. I hate that I have to fight so hard to break the damage done to me so I don’t do it to my kids. It’s hard stuff.
Have you read any of stuff? It’s mainly for adoptive parents, but translates to so many areas of “normal” parenting. Totally changed my thinking about what my kids need. Not the magic bullet by any means, but pretty darn good.
I like connected families stuff. I have special needs kids and so far their stuff has been very helpful. I will have to look at your suggestions too. I like more out of the norm parenting books that don’t consider spanking as a cure all.
This definitely resonates with me! I have a 13, 12 and 10 year old, and there are days I would cheerfully trade them all for a goldfish or two. I have said to all of them “I will always love you, but I won’t always like you, and I expect you feel the same way about me some times.” They know my buttons, and they know the days to push them!! My husband and I joke that we check on them after they fall asleep each night because we want to remember that we DO love them. 😉
Yep, the bedtime stalking is key for us to 🙂
Hahaha … yeah I’ve got a 14 year old step girl, 9year , 4year,eye and 3 month old… some days I wonder about off buttons 😂 then I’m like “Bedroom time!”
14,9,4,2,3 month old. Sorry
“little button pushing fuckers” ROTFL Truth! Great piece and the kind of stuff that would be salutary reading BEFORE marriage or having kids.
Amen 🙂 I try to convince people of things like this when I officiate a wedding, but newlyweds’ and soon-to-be-weds can be a little deaf. I was…
It might be wrong of me to say this at such an early point in my life; i’m soon to turn 24 and this struck a cord with me.
I never want to have children because the current me couldn’t handle these pains, these exact stresses would be the end of me and in no time i’d be downloading all my stupidity into their brains.
No children for me. Please.
Ha, might be wisdom talking. I think the biggest mistake most parents make is to try and navigate it alone. We’re part of a community of very real, very honest friends, and we have no prob checking into therapy or letting people tell us where we’re screwing up. I think we’re all broken to a degree. Thanx for your thoughts.
I suppose you are correct in some regards – To go solo and on some level of intuition could prove to be a negative approach.
I still hope and pray I never end up having a batch of rascals to deal with in my life – Perhaps it will change. Perhaps, perhaps! Perhaps?
thank you for an enlightening insight into your life. I do love your blog.
Thanx – I appreciate you being part of it and for sharing your comments.
Every so often I need to remind myself that my kids are really good kids, they just make some poor decisions sometimes. We have acquaintances whose kids are real monsters (it is hard to call them “friends” when their kids are that disrespectful of others) and all I need to do is think of them and I remember how good we really have it.
So relatable… Drollery and I have always told the kids, just because we love you doesn’t mean we always like you or the things you’ve done. Figured we might as well get THAT out in the open. Nice post.
I love my two girls to bits, but there are days…. ohhhh there are days !
Amen!
I once heard Lennon Honor say in a radio interview that “Hurt people hurt people”. Jesus said to a few, “Physician heal thyself” and to many as recorded in one translation of Mark 16: 17-18, he addressed these words, “And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.” In short, in Him and not in man the hurt will heal, and it should then follow that healed people will show others healing. The hurt will stay hurt and thereby hurt others so long as they look for healing in man. Let them believe in Him and begin to heal into healers of others by Him.
The worst part is… she did it to puss you off even more. My 9 year old does this same thing. Dtives me up the wall.
Oh yeah, she knew exactly what she was doing…
Do you get the. “JUST WAIT TIL YOU GET HOME.” thought? I hide their stuff …then when they come to me, I give them the same attitude they have me
Ha 🙂
“how to make sure my kids are always beautiful to me.” A lovely thought that I will try to focus my attention on while my twins are dumping dinner on the floor tonight.
Amen. That’s funny.
Button pusher fuckers lmao oh boy too funny. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this with my folders ☕… 😃
Ha – some people got grumpy about the F part, but it fits well in this context I think.
Yeah well it’s your story and it’s raw emotion is why I connected with it. Happy writing…. 😃
I love this post. It’s insightful and admits our faults. Plus, it’s written brilliantly. I look forward to time enough to read your older posts.
Also, I’ll just say that I really admire you for adopting. It’s not for everyone, but the people who can make room in their hearts and homes for children without families… you truly are changing a child’s entire world.
Thank you – that’s really encouraging to me at this stage in the game. Things have been tough.
Wow. Thank you for putting this into words. I went through an abusive marriage. I’ve been out 8 years now. As my sons have grown into teenagers who are taller than me and have big manly voices now, some days their typical teenage disrespect can sound too much like their father to my sensitive ears. I had learned to stop and process what they’re actually doing and saying before I react. And I manage to pull that off most of the time.
Id have to say that what you’re dealing with is well beyond what’s on my plate. Thanx for sharing your thoughts. Makes my issues seem manageable.
So well put! I believe anyone with children can relate to this, whether we admit it or not!
I love this post!! I can most certainly relate. My boys are now 14 and almost 9, they are older, but still fight constantly and push my buttons on a regular basis. Thank you for pointing out that these buttons are something within ourselves, great thoughts we should all process. I’m sure I’ll be putting this to the test in just over an hour, when I get home and the fun begins!
Good luck! Thanx for reading. Mark
I was laughing out loud when I read your blog. I thought I was the only who says ‘dirt-bag’ words, that’s what my son and I calls it, when my son wasn’t listening and following the supposedly rules. Thank you.
TYVM you’ve solved all my prbeloms
I tried to comment the first time and guess I used a different email.
Anyways, I was reading your blog and was LOL because I thought I was the only one that used ‘dirt-bag words, that what me and my son calls them, when he was not listening and following the supposedly rules. Thank you.
Nope, I’m right there with you! Your other comment went through, just haven’t had a chance to approve it yet.
Thanx!
Rob made a very astute observation in his statement, “God truly uses them (kids) to sanctify me and probably vice versa”. I can think of no better adversary of egoism (immaturity at its most basic) than the intimate and ultimately vulnerable position of loving (and being loved by) kids and spouse. We are truly who we are as a result of those with whom we have shared love.
Some things never change.
Ha. Right 🙂
Our kids, our teachers…
Amen. That’s what I should’ve written, would’ve saved everyone a bunch of time 🙂
Hey, this was pretty interesting to read- especially hearing about some of the stuff we get up to from an adult’s perspective, and how it affects you guys. I guess when you “hate” your kids, relationship doesn’t really come into it? Not much, anyway. Like, whoever the person is, the emotion is the same- the only difference is there’s a part in you that’s like “Hey, I usually like you; I’m not going to go nutso this time”. But, yeah. Well done on this post- and thank you for being a hopefully good parent. Haven’t seen one of them in far too long.
We’re tryin’ 🙂 Seems to be getting a bit easier as our kids get a bit older. I’m told though that the crap we’re dealing with now is just an appetizer. Entree’s coming in about 10 years when they all hit about 14. We’ll see 🙂
Ooooh boy, 14 was a rough year. Us teensters get all ‘self aware’- or we think we do anyway. We’re just kids with angst at that point. Just, I guess, cut them some slack when the mess up- if they’re like me, they’ll be more annoyed at themselves than you are at them. That being said, not *too much* slack 🙂
Yes, I can relate to that with my son…whew!! I am navigating this world of a 12 year old boy and it is extremely confusing sometimes. Even more so I recognized that some of the qualities in him that pushes my buttons are the same things I cannot stand in his father…I’ll admit that. But I know the one thing that is always on my tongue that I have made sure never to say is “you’re like your father.” Like you stated, getting our buttons pushed is mainly about what’s going on inside us, then our children. My son is a great kid and I’m learning to redirect my “retaliation” feeling.
Hardest stuff I’ve ever tried to do. Good luck to you, and thanx for reading/following 🙂
It’s so hard to do, but arguably one of the best things I’ve done with my life. Thanx for sharing a bit of your story – always encouraging to know that I’m not alone 🙂
I really appreciate how honest your blog is. I can’t wait to have kids but I also know I’m going to struggle with my own ‘buttons’, as I already have a hot temper. In those moments when you want to retaliate how do you, how do all parents, swallow it?
That’s a great question – I appreciate your vulnerability. I try not “swallow it,” but understand what’s really happening, why I’m getting so ramped up. I grew up with alot of screaming, so it makes sense that I’d tend to react with screaming. When my kids are misbehaving or being disrespectful, it makes me feel like a bad father, which makes me really angry. Also, I have to take care of myself – rest up, have some fun in the week, watch the coffee and alcohol, etc. Hope that helps, but I think we all have different areas where we need to heal before we can become better parents.
Get ready though – the uncomfortable reality is that your unhealed wounds will cause problems, but if you’re present and humble with your kids, if you talk about your mistakes with them, you’ll all be ok.
Thank you for the advice, it’s really helpful. I’m trying to mentally prepare already, i.e. deal with those wounds as much as possible but I don’t think anyone can ever be fully prepared for parentage! You seem like a really great dad. Again, thank you for sharing your insight.
So true!! And they can still sometimes push the same buttons (or new ones) when they are 19 or 30. Parenting is always a work in progress
I didn’t need to hear that 🙂
You get way better at not responding though. And we loved the teenage years ( mostly). Much easier than toddlers!
That’s something you never hear – I think you’ve gotten it backwards 🙂
Our youngest is now 19 and he is our 5th to make it safely through! We knew lots of amazing teenagers (and a few not so). Its not all doom and gloom. And our adult children still like us lol
jeeze – 5 kids and they’re not crazy. You should write a book. Seriously
They’re not crazy or we’re not?! It was pretty intense at times – that’s a lot of buttons to get pushed. This was a great blog post – there were definitely times when I didn’t like our kids very much and they probably didn’t like me either. But teenagers are pretty interesting and fun people when they are being actual humans, which is a lot more often than you think it will be.
I recently wrote on my blog about some issues that I am going through with my oldest daughter. This spoke to me on so many levels. As kids, they do things to irritate us as parents. As teenagers, I think their intention is to hurt us. At least some teenagers, that’s the truth with mine. And their are days that I question if I am a good mom bc of how she makes me feel. I had a friend tell me that you don’t have to like your kids. You don’t have to like the choices their making or the person they are becoming. You can even get to the verge of “hating” them as long as you still love them. There is going to be a point (hopefully) where they wake up and realize how they were treating you and things will become better. I know because I remember that point in my own life. But until then your not a very likable person.
Sounds so hard. We’re about 10 years from the teen years and really not excited about it. I do think that hurt people hurt people, ie, when our kids are hurting us, it’s because they’re hurt. True, they’re intentionally hurting us, but not for the reasons we think – it’s not because you’re a bad mom… thanx for sharing your story.
I thought that was a great write and I enjoyed each line. As a father to two young kids, I get it. I also thought how you handled “certain comments” was very classy. Bravo.
Thank you
Reading posts like this make surfing such a pleurase
Surfing? Funny, I’m taking a “bucket list” surf trip to Costa Rica in a couple of weeks for my 50th – I’ve tried so many times to learn how. Hopefully I get some inkling about how to make it happen…
Pheeomnnal breakdown of the topic, you should write for me too!
Very interesting read. I love the honesty.
Thanx! Appreciate you taking the time to read
Oh I do so relate to having “a very strong dislike” for my kids at times. Thanks for helping me feel less guilty!!
You bet! If I could get rid of parenting guilt altogether I’d be a different person
We also have 3 kids (4, 6, and 8) and completely relate to this!
You know what’s fantastic here? It’s only when you love your kids so much that sometimes you can write brutally honest thing like that whit an immense feeling of love.
Good job 🙂
Thanx! That’s really encouraging
My kids are grown but I can easily recognize the situation then and now. I will say that the dynamic and scale of emotions changes a lot when they hit mid-teens and again when they reach 21. Thankfully, they usually start to mellow in their late 20’s.
That’s so good to hear. I love em to death but it’s crazy right now. Always appreciate the wisdom of folks who’ve been through it.
just remember it’s the attitude, not them but ohh do I get your point! and of course we love them 🙂 – great post