I only have one, and I’m not sure how they’d evaluate my parenting up to this point. They’re amazing; killing it in school, uber-responsible in most other arenas, respectful, and curious. We’re proud, and get a ton of joy from watching their transition into adulthood.
But this isn’t the era to teach new values. To them, Mom and dad are a bit clueless, with no real-world knowledge about the things they’re going through. They’re in the process of differentiating from us into their own person. The values that will aid in steering their course were set long ago, right or wrong, and can only be altered with much travail.
I think the best way to teach teenagers how to live is before they become teenagers, before they decide that we’re full of sh8. It might be too late for our other two as well, still “into” us, but both fast approaching their teen years.
I’m not suggesting that teenagers can’t learn anything, but because of their posture towards adults, and the “I’ve got it all figured out” arrogance that attends young America, it’s best to teach them everything we can before they board the boat to neverland.
With that in mind, following is my non-expert, not-so-experienced opinion about things that will serve our teenagers, and their parents, when they start driving automobiles and doing things they’re not supposed to do when (they think) we’re not looking
Rigor
When we first started teaching our kids how to clean things it was a trip to the devil’s front yard. At first, it seemed like we were asking them to saw an arm off – the crying and screaming was awful. Years ago, for example, on a camping trip, I asked a five year old to sweep out the tent, literally a ~5 minute task. The entire campsite suffered for that one, and I lost the battle.
We quickly learned that most kids don’t have whatever emotional strength is required to do something like clean a room. So, instead of force, punishment, etc., we helped to build that ability, introducing little bits at a time, trying not to overwhelm them while turning up the heat when appropriate. The chores they have now are much more advanced than they were a few years ago, and our house, much cleaner.
Homework has a similar history. One of our kids loves school and comes naturally to the academic arena, though it was a little rough in the beginning. The other two have been much more difficult, getting overwhelmed frequently, in need of some patience from this not-so-patient at-home cajun who garnered no applause when it came to academics.
When they feel overwhelmed, they get discouraged, convinced that they’ll forever fail in the subjects that are most difficult. But our job isn’t just to help them get their math homework done, it’s to teach them how to hang tight when they feel overwhelmed. The more we appropriately push, the more they learn how to respond when everything inside wants to quit.
It’s taken Elaine and I a minute or so to get on the same page with this. I came to parenting with a very “white” view of raising kids, not wanting to push them too hard for fear of hurting them. There’s some truth there to be sure, I know plenty of people who were pushed too hard by their parents, now uber capable folk who struggle to relax.
Elaine, on the other hand, came to parenting with a much more rigorous approach. At first, it seemed that she was being too hard, and I’ll admit that I felt like I had to step in and “protect” the kids from time to time. But I realized that, because of Elaine’s approach, our kids were growing in their ability to handle hard things, and that my soft, squishy brand of parenting wasn’t serving them well. I’m not suggesting that “softness” is always a bad thing – there should be a balance between work and fun – but if our kids are going to have any chance at a good life, they’re going to have to be pushed.
But pushing kids is a tricky business: if we go too hard we hurt them, and vice versa if we don’t push hard enough.
What I’ve learned in this journey is that they don’t have to be pushed all at once. We don’t have to force them to go from constantly dirty room to constantly clean room in one simple transaction. Building strength in our kids, “pushing” them to be stronger, can be a journey that happens over time.
“It’s not a transaction, it’s a process,” I like to say with annoying frequency.
To the point of this post, there’s a window. Younger kids will respond to being pushed, however we do it, much more easily than a 15 year old who’s never been pushed.
Identity
I’ve never met a teenager who wasn’t struggling to understand who they truly are.
Not only is this a time when kids pull away from her parents, mom and dad pull away too. We’re older and a bit worn out from raising kids while our teenagers send us message after message that they’re not interested anymore; a necessary, albeit heartbreaking transition. We don’t know what to do, so we give them the space and distance that they seem to be longing for, forgetting that they do truly love us, difficult as it is for them to show it.
At the same time, mom and dad are responsible for their identity formation, i.e., the idea that they possess unconditional value. If we fail here, they’ll wander through life searching for ways to feel good about themselves, many times in places that are false and/or destructive.
I’m not trying to frighten you, but our role in identity formation is crucial to their future happiness.
What sucks is that most parents don’t have a healthy sense of identity. How then are we supposed to pass on what we don’t possess?
It would be easy if we could simply sit them down from time to time and tell them that they matter, but that rarely works. We have to connect on their terms, when they’re ready, in ways that are meaningful to them. Those opportunities are much more frequent when they’re young.
If we’re too busy with work, or never emotionally available – especially if we’re abusive – our kids will grow up thinking that there’s something wrong with them, that they’re not worthy of our time and attention.
On the other hand, if we can at least manage a functional level of identity formation, our kids have a shot at enterting adulthood with something that few adults possess.
Authority
When we were seeking to adopt, the state of Colorado required a visit from a mental health professional to ensure that our household was running properly. She was very nice, and seemed to be deeply concerned with the welfare of our future child.
When we discussed discipline and authority, she shared that she didn’t believe in spanking. Instead, when her kids were bad, they would get sprayed with a water bottle. If the parents misbehaved, they’d get sprayed by the kids. A few years later, I saw her at a restaurant talking with one of the employees. When the waitress asked where her kids were, she threw up her hands and said that she couldn’t take them out in public anymore.
I don’t believe in spanking either, but I certainly don’t believe in spraying kids, although I might start doing it just to annoy them.
I’ll post a video here if I do.
It’s easy to miss the authority piece and we can easily find ourselves punishing too much or not enough, trying to avoid “hurting” our kids, confusing discipline with retaliation, or coming up with weird ideas that simply make things worse.
I’m not qualified to unpack what healthy authority looks like, but I’ll say that the internet is packed full of articles from reputable sources on the matter if you want to do some homework. Suffice it to say that, whatever we do to correct/teach, it has to be with authority. Our kids need to grow up knowing that there are people who know more than they do, that they are not their highest authority, that their feelings don’t always dictate truth, that they’re part of a family, and that the world doesn’t revolve around them.
Without authority, there can’t be any humility, and humility is core to a happy life.
But, like most things, there has to be balance. If we underdo authority, we hurt them just as much as if we overdo it.
Granted, teenage kids will challenge our authority like no other time in their life. But if, up to that point, we’ve abused our authority, giving them no “base” from which to operate, they’re much more likely to do their own thing, shunning authority for the rest of their lives.
If I could go back and try again, I’d do the dad thing much differently of course. Nobody comes to parenting without a startling lack of experience. And American culture doesn’t help, especially in the above arenas. But if you’re reading this, thinking through the base elements of good parenting, I hope my perspective is helpful.
Ultimately, whether we like it or not, us parents have more influence over our kids’ cosmic posture than anyone else, until they hit the teen years. We’ll still have some influence to be sure – it’s not time to completely check out – but the adolescent era will go much more smoothly if we do a functional job at getting our kids ready for it.
