Author: realmarklandry

What I Think about God

coolwindow

I wrote this years ago in Seminary (except the last part). More true every year.

I don’t know what I want to say
It may be best to leave the words alone
But you live inside my heart
You walk about
You poke around

And I don’t hear a sound

Then you shake them from my head and lay them deep inside my heart
Your words of life and truth go coursing through my veins
Into my soul
Now I’m a man I never should have been
And though my eyes are open wide
I only see enough to know I need you more

I’m alive

My fear will not prevail against a lion
My bullshit catches fire in the presence of this king
My hardened heart will not survive
Within the clutches of a lamb
My death has breathed its last
It hung there lifelessly upon a cross

Amazing love
How can it be
That thou, My God
Should die for me

Christmas is for Losers: How the Nativity Story Rips on Power and Privilege

Drunk Santa

The nativity story is probably one of the most misunderstood episodes of the Bible. It’s an ancient Jewish story – not a modern Christian one, jam-packed with scads of cultural idiosyncrasies that are a bit difficult to understand for us modern Western folk. Nonetheless, read from a 1st century Jewish perspective, it’s a far better story than the one we usually tell. It goes something like this.

There’s these three groups of losers…

The first group is hanging out in the hinterlands of the Judean region when some really scary shit goes down. We call them shepherds and typically think of them as humble, simple folk – people at one with nature, animal lovers, passive, kind, etc. In their day however shepherds were considered by many to be the lowest of the low, though not as low as tax collectors (that’s a different but very interesting story). Shepherds would frequently sell and/or eat the animals they were charged with protecting, then lie about it, claiming that the animal(s) had fallen to the all-too-frequent predator attack.

In their defense, if I were a shepherd I would have a hard time resisting the temptation for a little snack every now and again. It would be like hiring me to sit alone and watch bacon for a long time by myself with nobody else watching. Some of it might go missing.

When the “Angel of the Lord” appeared in a blinding light, they became “sore afraid,” i.e., scared shitless, not just because angels are depicted as frightening creatures in the Bible, but also because these shepherds believe that God has finally showed up to punish them for being such horrible people.

What they get is something totally different – transformed in a flash from trash to the very Heralds of the long awaited Messiah Himself. Why? Because they were good people? Because they deserved it? Nope…  They were the first on the invite list, and given a high seat of honor – because they were losers.

If God wanted everyone to know that the Messiah had finally arrived, and wanted everyone to show up at the manger, why would he choose people who were viewed as dishonest and cowardly, then send them running through the very capitol of all Jewishness to announce the arrival of something that everyone at the time was desperately waiting for?

The next group of attendees is the triad of “Magi,” travelling from the East, expecting to meet a great king, and led by a star. Again, if you consider what Jewish people were thinking at the time, these people have no business in God’s story – maybe as the bad guys, but certainly not as heroes. To be non-Jewish, from a place populated by so many people who wanted to see Israel burn, and on top of that some kind of “magician,” is to be pagan in the worst sense.

Losers.

The third group is comprised of the three people sitting amidst the dung, smell, and conspicuous absence of human dignity – surrounded by the other losers mentioned above. There’s a baby, and that’s cute, but he’s illegitimate. The mom claims that God had impregnated her, but everyone knows what really happened and they’re probably all talking about it. Her husband initially tried to conjure up some way to get rid of her, but was “visited in a dream” by an angel and changed his mind.  That’d be a hard story to sell in any culture.

In this world the only thing worse than a woman who has conceived via adultery is a husband who does nothing about it. We might romanticize something like this, but the people of Jesus’ day didn’t. Adultery was one of the most grievous sins to the ancient Jewish mind.

Where are the powerful, important, wealthy people?

It’s understandable why there were no important people stopping by to say hello to the newborn Messiah. “This can’t be him.” “He’s illegitimate.” “He might have the pedigree if he were actually the son of his father.”  “Where are all the other important people?” “Why are there so many losers here?”  “A stable?”

Considering the general sketchiness of the whole scene it’s easy to see why Herod, the Pharisees, Sadducees, Sanhedrin, the wealthy folk and other potentates decided to stay home that night.

These believed that they were conditionally blessed by God. They believed that their obedience to His rules, their devotion, and their wealth made them more important to Him than anyone else. The dishonest, the poor, the “unbelievers” were treated as trash because that’s how God considered them.

Sound familiar?

When Jesus reached adulthood, the powerful, wealthy, pretty people rejected him, mainly because he came from a sketchy place, and was constantly followed by the losers of his day.  But he took those losers and did something with them that he never could have done with the important people.  And they went out and changed the world.

Yet so many of his followers today have reverted back to a system that exalts white, wealthy, straight, “acceptable” people.  That might piss you off if you consider yourself Christian, but who fills the pews on Sunday mornings?  I’ve been a conservative Evangelical for 30 years, I can tell you who fills the pews.

The Nativity story invites us to make some drastic changes to our values system, especially as it applies to how we decide who’s valuable and who’s not. Christmas is a time to remember that God typically doesn’t see things the way we do. The people we call losers, God calls kings.

So you’d better watch out.  Folk who consider themselves to be more important than others – especially in the name of religion – can easily find themselves missing the party.

Losers.

 

Why Lectures Blow Time-Outs Out of the Water – And How to Give a Good One

I have 3 kids who have no problem telling me where to stick it. Time-outs were my go-to for a long time, but I’ve recently transitioned to a far more powerful defense.

Don’t get me wrong, time-outs are huge if you want to survive as a parent of strong willed children. If nothing else, they’re a great way to get a nasty attitude out of play so you can rest your brain and rekindle a general sense of hope. But time-outs for my kids are only temporary, short-run solutions. They’ve never effected any real change.

Up to this point I’d always hated lecturing kids, it seemed so pointless, so torturous. My wife lectures our kids all the time and it drives me crazy. They stand there like statues while she talks – forever. I always feel like I need to rescue them.
But our kids are much more behaved for my wife than they are for me, so I recently decided to give lecturing a try.

I was wrong. It works. Here are three reasons why.

1. Lecturing Forces Kids to Face their Mess

Lectures give our kids some time to stew in their transgression and consider it from someone else’s perspective. Time-outs remove them from everything; they can think about whatever they want. We control the engagement in a lecture and make it oh so difficult for them to distance themselves from whatever it is they need to face.

2. It Feels Good

Let’s be honest, when our kids screw up, when they’ve trodden upon some coveted value of ours, or destroyed our property (again), it’s easy to believe they did it on purpose, like they’re out to get us, or deliberately trying to get under our skin. Sometimes they are. Either way, just being honest, it feels good to retaliate.

Lecturing is the best way to suckle the sweet fruits of retaliation and help your kids get their shit together.

I don’t have to hit, scream, shame, threaten, etc. All I have to do is slow down, gather myself, and let fly with the most boring, repetitive speech about family rules that you can possibly imagine. They can’t stand it and I can’t tell you how good that feels when they’ve triggered one of my emotional landmines.

Best of all, it’s culturally acceptable, and it’s legal. You can do it in public, at the doctor’s office, at church, in front of the grandparents. Anytime. Anywhere.

3. The Breaking Point

My kids don’t hate the talking, or the repetition, they hate thinking about what they did wrong. We all do. That’s why they squirm and try to run away when we confront them.

A good lecture helps kids understand the impact of what they’ve done – not only that it’s wrong, or that parents are disappointed, but that others were affected. Kids don’t change their behavior unless they feel true remorse. That’s why intimidation, threats, shaming, time-outs, etc. are so marginally effective; they don’t go far enough.

The most powerful thing about a lecture is that mom and/or dad are right there in the middle of it. There is no human presence more powerful to a kid than her parents, regardless of how their attitude might suggest otherwise. Lecturing doesn’t just put the infraction in their face, it puts us in their face, and gives a ton more weight to the issue we’re trying to address.

Four Tips for a Good Lecture

1. Squirmy Kids

If my kids are fidgety, giggly, or are flat-out blowing me off, I make them sit on the ground till they’re ready to talk. This breaks them down a bit and prepares them for what’s coming. My tagline is “You let me know when you’re ready to talk, I’ve got all day.” Works like a charm.

2. Don’t be abusive

Shame, screaming, intimidation, fear, and distance all feel great, but ultimately won’t bring anything good to your kids. It teaches them that they’re worth the abuse, that there must be something wrong with them. If you prefer to have kids who are constantly struggling to control themselves, make them feel like a piece of crap, that’s the ultimate fruit of abuse.

I know we lose our tempers from time to time and we should apologize and make amends when that happens, but, as much as you can, get the abusive stuff off the discipline table.

Focus on their behavior, it’s impact on others, and keep it at that.

3. Make it a long one.

You might be thinking that you don’t have enough material to draw a lecture out long enough to make them really think. Not a problem. If you run out of words, ask questions. “You know our family rule is no punching in the face. If you know that’s our rule, why did you punch your sister in the face?” Silence is OK if they don’t want to answer, it gives you time to come up with more material.

Your speech doesn’t have to be ground-breaking, it only has to be relevant to whatever it is they did wrong. And don’t be afraid to repeat yourself, they really hate that.

It’s also a good idea to get some time alone to think about the things your kid does over and over again, the areas where they’re habitually disobedient. Craft some good material outside of the arena so you’re not always trying to come up with stuff on the fly. They’ll think you did make it up on the fly, which will make you seem even more impenetrable.

4. Be firmly on their side

Kids are more likely to listen/change if they know we’re pulling for them. At some point in my lectures, usually in the beginning, I’ll let them know I understand why they’ve misbehaved.

“You must have been really mad at your sister to punch her in the face.”
“I probably would have wanted to punch her in the face too you know.”

All misbehavior has something good at it’s core. An angry outburst can be the result of some perceived injustice. If they lie, it’s because they’re scared. If they steal, it’s because they really wanted something. We can all empathize with those emotions. The root of all sin is desire, not stupidity or selfishness – the behavior might be bad, but the desires aren’t. While we should always condemn the bad responses, we can connect with them by validating their desires and let them know that they’re just as human as we are.

Give it a Whirl

I don’t lecture every time one of my kids screw up – that would be impossible. Sometimes I’m too tired, or too busy. Sometimes I don’t have the emotional energy. There are times when I lose my temper, or do a “drive by” sort of consequence threat. But once I started lecturing, my kids’ level of respect for dad seemed to change, dramatically so. And I’ve gotten way better at getting them to the “breaking point.”

My kids aren’t perfect, but they know that whatever it is we’re discussing is so important that everything needs to stop, and that they’re worth stopping for. I can’t tell you how much change that’s brought to our family.