Peace Hacks

Self-help guru Tony Robbins claims that cold plunging changed his life. Every morning, he jumps into a cold water pool – 57 degreed Farenheit – and sits in it for 5 minutes or so, from what I can tell.

I’ve never been a huge fan of his stuff, but thanx to him, cold plunging has become a fad, and some research has been done on its mental health benefits. I was sold during our last family movie night when we watched “My Octopus Teacher,” a documentary about a guy who free dives in a kelp forest off the African horn and makes friends with an octopus. Early in the movie, he talks about the initial difficulty of spending so much time in 60-degree water, but he also pointed out that it was a bit of a reset for his psyche.

That night, I got in the shower, stood there for a bit, then cranked the faucet all the way to cold (in Denver that’s about 55 degrees). I lasted less than a second.

I hate cold water. There’s nothing more depressing than covering your entire corpus in less-than-body-temperature liquid. I’ll take a refreshing plunge in a lukewarm pool over anything else any day of the week. Unfortunately, every year, Elaine forces us, against our will, to take a family picture of the Landry’s jumping off the Grand Lake pier into the coldest water I’ve ever seen. It’s awful. It stings. You can’t breathe.

But after my brief, one second shot at cold showering, something clicked. For years I’ve been trying to figure out why my entire psyche gets a reset during a good beach vacation. I thought it was simply because we’re at the beach. But it only happens on trips where I get a chance to go surfing. Again, maybe that’s because I love to surf.

But I’m in the water for three hours a day on these trips. And, because I’m not very good at surfing, I spend more time completely submerged than most. Sure, the water’s never 60 degrees, but it’s cold enough to take my breath away. I began to think that there might be a correlation between cold water and my mood, so I decided to go full-on cold plunge.

I filled the bathtub, carefully controlling the temp to make it an even 64 degrees (didn’t want to go too cold), set the timer on my watch, and got in.

64 degrees is cold, by the way. Tony Robbins only goes to 57. My chest was heaving so much that some of the water splashed out of the tub.

I sat, submerged as a man of my size can get in a small bathtub, for 90 seconds, got out, took a super hot shower, then dressed for the day – feeling completely un-different – then headed to my oldest daughter’s room to check in before her day of online schooling. I’m not a super chatty person, but on this particular morning, to her bewilderment, I was. As the day wore on, I noticed a level of energy that I don’t usually have, and far less episodes of depressing thoughts – something we’re all familiar with in this pandemic.

Those are commonplace for me, by the way, long before Coronavirus lockdown came along. Depression runs in my family, and I can frequently be found ruminating on past failures and awkward moments, for they are legion – plenty of material there. Sometimes it makes my stomach hurt. Nighttime is especially difficult, especially if I wake up at 2:00AM and can’t get back to sleep. There’s nothing else to do but lay in the darkness and take inventory of my dumbest perpetrations, and what everyone thinks about me because of them.

I got somewhat of a respite from all of that on the day of my first cold plunge. So, I decided to take things a little further and do it five days in a row; 5 plunges at 64 degrees for 5 minutes. I’m now 10 days in (plunging at 60 degrees) and have no plans of stopping. I’m not bouncing off the walls by any stretch, but do find myself much more engaged in conversation, with much more energy overall. What’s best, my depressive moments have gone down significantly.

I know this sounds like I’m peddling a fad, but given the myriad testimonies about the physiological advantages of cold plunging, not to mention the myriad contributions about its efficacy from mental health researchers, I feel good telling you that it’s a thing. You should try it.

At least give it a shot for a few days and see for yourself. If you don’t have a tub to use, just crank that cold water handle all the way up during your next shower. I’ll admit that it’s ridiculously uncomfortable at first, but the body acclimates in short order. Now, I only have a few seconds of chest heaving, then things get almost pleasant. I’ll be lowering the temperature and extending my time a bit in the coming weeks, but suffice it to say that me and cold water are becoming friends.

A bit of a disclaimer – for some, jumping into a 60 degree bath might present a health risk. Be careful, don’t go too cold at first, and/or consult your doc before trying this out.

Nowhere in his 1 hour+ “Save America” speech on December 6th did Donald Trump tell his supporters to attack the capitol. At one point he said, specifically, “I know that everyone here will soon be marching over to the Capitol building to peacefully and patriotically make your voices heard.” If you want to read peace and harmony in this speech, you can. As such, many of my Trump supporting friends have been calling the allegations that Trump incited a riot a sham; simply another ploy to get rid of a good president.

Earlier this week, I sat down to read his speech and noticed something interesting, albeit painfully obvious. Before I get into that, there are a couple of things we need to understand about his audience at this rally, what kind of mood they were in, and what kinds of things are appropriate to say/not say/etc.

First, it seems that Washington was aware that this particular crowd was ready for a fight, seeing this rally as their last ditch opportunity to overthrow the election. One intelligence report warned that “Congress itself” might be the target: 

“Congress needs to hear glass breaking, doors being kicked in … Go there ready for war. We get our President or we die. NOTHING else will achieve this goal.”

Trump would have been briefed on this as would his security detail. Even without the reports, Trump was well aware, that his followers are angry, most of all at the alleged fraudulent election. No doubt these folks are patriots, concerned about their country, convinced that things have gone sour. They’re angry. Ready to fight, if needed, to protect their country.

To the second thing we need to understand, a thought experiment: Imagine if you heard allegations that your spouse has been unfaithful, and you’re convinced that it’s true. There’s evidence to the contrary but you’re angry, done, divorce papers spread out on the kitchen table in front of you.

I come in, a friend who cares about your marriage and wants you to reconsider, or at least settle down a bit before you blow everything up. If I talk to you about your love for one another, the good times you had, the benefits of peace and forgiveness, etc., I have a chance at talking you down off the ledge. If on the other hand my speech goes something like this; “Hey, don’t get a divorce, but never forget what she did to you. You’ve been faithful to her and look where it got you, but don’t get a divorce, etc,” it’s clear what I want you to do.

Trump stood at his pulpit on January 6, faithful followers ready to hang on his every word. They’re angry – everybody knows it – convinced that the government has been unfaithful, that they’ve been defrauded, cheated, and that things are sure to get worse. They’re on the edge, ready to pop.

Trump’s speech doesn’t follow any percepticle pattern of organization, and that’s OK; he’s speaking extemporaneously, his main points being scattered throughout the speech and reiterated multiple times. Still, it can be divided into 7 categories, listed below in order of emphasis.

#1: Election Fraud

Trump made over 100 statements reminding his people that they were defrauded, cheated, faked out, and mishandled. According to him, this election was a disgrace. Nothing like this level of election rigging has ever happened before, and no self-respecting patriot should put up with it.

#2: Hell in a Handbasket

Over 80 times, he talked about the danger us American find ourselves in. There’s an internal threat, and it can’t be found within the conservative Trump supporter camp: this enemey is clearly liberal and anti-Trump. The Democrats are bad, they’ve lost control, caused so much damage, and in their finest hour, orchestrated this election fraud. The Biden administration is evil, and will only result in more violence against our country.

#3: All things Trump = Good

Over 50 times Trump talked about the success of his adminstration and/or how amazing his supporters are. The people on his side are heroic, while the folks who don’t support him are weak. Regarding the Trump administration, it’s amazing too, done things no other administration has done before, etc.

#4: Fake News

On some level, you have to applaud Trump for his anti-media campaign; it’s truly brilliant, in an evil way. Over 30 times he reminded his followers that the media can’t be trusted, it’s biased against him, the “biggest problem,” played a fundamental role in all the ways his amazing supporters have been duped, etc.

#5: Don’t Put up With This

Over 20 times he told his followers to have a 0 tolerance policy for what’s mentioned above. These statements are filled with things akin to “Don’t ever give up,” “It’s up to us to save America,” “You’re not going to take it any longer,” “We have a fight on our hands,” “We’re not going to let them silence you,” “We’ve had enough,” “You have to fight,” “Somebody has to do something,” etc. The sheer number of “us vs. them” statements is a pretty clear indication of his intent.

#6 Moving Forward

Trump spent some time talking about what his administration will do in the future if it’s allowed to continue, but it’s a bit of an extension of the “Don’t put up with this” and the “Trump administration is great” categories. He talked about this 6 times.

#7: Peace?

Only once did he use the word “peace.” See the statement I shared at the beginning of this post.

Trump’s supporters have heard all of this before. His intent here isn’t to diseeminate information or clarfify things for his supporters. He simply reminded a mob he knew to be angry that they’re in trouble and will have to fight their way out.

If you’re still wondering what his intent was, I can’t help you, but I’ll leave you with one more thought.

Reflect back to our thought experiment of the angry friend who’s ready to end his marriage. Again, I can come in with words of peace and forgiveness, or I can stir up the fear, anger, and thoughts of retribution. If I do the latter, you can guess what my endgame is.

To that, Trump posted a video during the riot, when the crowd had shown itself to truly be in battle mode. The video goes something like this: “Hey, let’s not have any violence. The election was stolen from you. We’ve never seen anything like this before, but hey, everybody calm down. This was a fraud, an offense against the American people. But go home.”

You don’t say shit like this to an already rioting mob if you want people to go home. And you don’t deliver Donald J. Trump’s “Save America” speech to this particular crowd unless you truly want a riot.

It’s so obvious, I feel stupid writing it.

Donald Trump has been excused from social media, maybe forever. While I’m relieved that he’s not currently able to use this particular piece of technology to further his divisive agenda, I’m reminded that so many of my fellow Evangelicals, and other faithful conservatives have recently patronized the up and coming social media platform, “Parler,” citing mainstream social media’s alleged bias towards conservative politics.

Because we all know that anyone who thinks Trump is a bad president, or believes that Coronavirus is a thing, or thinks the election was fair, yada yada, is clearly unamerican. If Twitter thinks that misinformation during a pandemic, or a call to insurrection are bad for America, and curates their platform accordingly, that’s censorhip.

And so Parler has become a haven for Christian Trump supporters, and in the coming weeks will be a platform heavily exploited by the world’s biggest asshole to add further harm to our country, if you can imagine such a thing.

Parler founder and CEO John Matze has taken the high road, following the lead of his constituents, accusing Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and others of the cowardly brand of censorship mentioned above – further evidence that the world is out to get the Christian right. God’s army didn’t need that by the way, having circled the wagons during the Obama era, continuing to trade a religion of peace and justice for a cult of self-protection, and an unthinkably massive friggin’ beehive for conspiracy theories – further evidence for the non-Christian world that the Christian right is b@t s#!t crazy. Maybe even dangerous.

Matze believes that social media should be a place where people can speak freely because the arena of public discourse is the greatest defense against bad ideas. In a recent Forbes interview, he unpacked his vision for the future, and his hope that a free and unfettered mode of discourse might make our world a better place.

“The best thing is for everyone to engage with a bad idea and shut it down through public discourse.”

Take a minute and giggle at that. It’s OK. I said dumber things when I was 27.

I can’t think of one bad idea that Trump has had over the past 4 years that hasn’t found its wings through the kind of public discourse that Matz references above. Sure, if we could somehow get rid of hatred, ignorance, arrogance, and good old fashioned Christian tribalism, as our Bibles tell us to, we might find some respite in hashing things out. But if social media has shown us one thing about conservative Christianity, it’s that we’re suckers for a guy like Trump. We’ve found our man. He can spread it wherever and whenver he wants.

You have to wonder: could he have incited a violent protest at the capitol without access to social media? If Facebook had put him in time-out 4 years ago, would we be nearly as divided as we are now?

Either way, because of the massive Christian exodus to Matz’s platform, because of his ignorance of Trump’s endgame, and because hatred and violence don’t simply work themselves out on their own, Parler will be a fundamental tool in the continued garbage that Trump has planned for my country, and the grease he’ll continue to find from my Christian brothers and sisters.

But hey, if I was 27 years old, sitting on a gold mine, I’m not sure I’d be thinking straight either. And let’s be honest, mainstream social media’s treatment of Trump does seem a bit authoritarian. What right do they have to control what people can and can’t say? Isn’t that censorship?

Not really. Twitter, Facebook, et al. aren’t government services, and I don’t pay for them. They operate on privately owned servers and have every right to do whatever the hell they want with their business. The same holds true at an airport, or a restaurant, or grandma’s house: you can’t simply blurt out whatever you want, especially if it might lead to harm for others. If your mouth becomes a font of division, conspiracy theories, false accusations, and calls to violence, grandma’s going to shut things down pretty fast. It’s her house, she makes the rules, and she cares. She certainly doesn’t want to be a party to evil.

Likewise for platforms like Twitter, concerned, as we all should be for the wellbeing of America. Sadly, because a similar affliction is lacking at Parler, Matz’s gold mine will play an historic role in the violence and stupidity that is sure to mark 2021. And because he promises to go laissez faire on the curation of content, bad ideas will probably take over, leaving the content, among other things, less than interesting.

Despite the Bible’s warnings against unbridled speech and the fires that are sure to follow, America’s Christian right will flock to Parler now more than ever, turning it into a place where peace, hope, love, mercy, and compassion will be quickly supplanted by their polar opposites. I’m not saying that mainstream social media is the place to go for wholesome discourse, but the last place that should be smacking us in the face with hate speech and conspiracy theories is one so heavily populated by Christians.

If John Matze were to institute a few simple adultimatums, things would be much different, but his meteoric ascension would also come to a halt. That’s a trigger that few young, American entrepreneurs have the courage or foresight to pull.

Though I’m shamelessly begging Parler to reconsider, it’s not going to happen. I’ll have to sit and watch as it’s used as a fundamental tool to further exploit the anger, fears and doubts of my Christian brothers and sisters, becoming Trump’s greatest leverage to move the rock of American unity and true patriotism.