Unspoiling My Post-Holiday Self

There’s a spoiled brat standing between me and my new year’s resolutions.

Over the holidays, he’s been naughty; eating and drinking everything in sight, watching more TV than I’m comfortable with, staying up late, etc. Now, it’s time to rein him in, but he’s having none of it.

The brat is, weirdly enough, me. Bridling him isn’t going to be fun.

My holiday season wasn’t just about love, Jesus, goodwill, etc. It was, as it’s been for the majority of my “adult” life, indulgence just on the outer rim of debauchery. But I had fun – friends, family, food, cocktails, splurges, letting myself off-chain for a spell, enjoying all… ALL… of the good things the holidays had to offer.

It’s always a wonderful change of pace.

But whenever I steamroll healthy boundaries, even for a short period of time, my soul attaches itself to the new routine, full of comfort and joy but sorely lacking restraint, or anything that resembles the strength required to live well. By the time January 1 rolls around, my willpower is weaker than it was before Thanksgiving.

Making healthy choices is not unlike lifting weights in the gym: after a month off, most of the adultimatums required for my preferred future are too hard to lift.

So, when I tug on the reins, the brat responds like I’m trying to kill him, begging me to stop. In the past, I’ve tried to use logic, outlining all of the reasons why he should change his behavior, and how good it will feel once he surrenders. But that never works. Spoiled brats don’t play nice – they certainly don’t respond to helpful bible verses, spreadsheets, diet plans, accountability partners, or sticky notes on the bathroom mirror.

I’ve also tried shame – ruminating over all the reasons why my lack of self control makes me a bad person, using negativity as a sick sort of motivation. But that only works for a little while, and nothing makes me hungry like a good dose of depression.

This year, I’ve decided to take the healthy-parenting route and put the kibosh on this ASAP. There are no legitimate parenting resources that call for anything but clear, albeit difficult boundaries when a kid decides that he gets to do whatever he wants.

The same goes for my inner, post-holiday whippersnapper.

But there’s a reason why spoiled kids lose their minds when a caregiver tries to unspoil them. It hurts. This process is painful, maybe a bit frightening. There’s nothing so cold and lonely as saying “NO!” to the midnight snack that I’ve been enjoying every night for the past 4 weeks.

There’s no shame here. The problem is not that I’m a bad person, or that I have deeply seated self-control problems. My self simply doesn’t want to be controlled after such a long period of not being controlled.

I don’t have character issues, or a mal-formed personality. This is a normal, human thing.

So, in just a few weeks, when I’ve blown through my best laid plans, I’m not going to get depressed about it. I’ll simply admit that I’ve failed to deal effectively with my spoiled self, and try, try again.

My plan is, first, to embrace the ancient truth that extreme circumstances call for extreme measures. As such, the most effective tool for me in the early days has always been fasting. Nothing reins in my spoiled self like a good, full day of no food. Telling my body “NO!” over and over again, and reminding myself that it won’t be fatal, is the quickest way back to sanity.

Or, if I’m not in the mood for such an extreme, I’ll put myself on a strict diet for a few days. I won’t deny every craving, but after 72 hours, big changes will have transpired. The endgame here isn’t to lose weight, or to meet one of my new goals, it’s simply to calm the brat, and remind that little f@<ker who the boss is.

When I manage to succeed, it feels great. Turns out that big boundaries make me happier, although they can often feel like they’re going to kill me.

This of course hasn’t made any of my resolutions a walk in the park. Self control will always be a challenge. But it does remove a significant barrier, one that crows yearly atop a large heap of conquered hopes and dreams.

As I write this, cruising home at 35,000 feet, sitting next to a friend who’s just ordered a cocktail, I’m making my first big-boy choice of the season, enjoying a crisp, calorie-free plastic cup of soda water. Tomorrow, I’ll start my diet and make valiant attempts to lose 20 pounds before our trip to the beach in a couple of months.

If I can make it through the first week of internal temper-tantrum hell, I’ll have a bit more strength, courage, and emotional energy to consistently tell my inner brat “NO!”

In the meantime, wish me luck, for the child inside is a warrior.

How the Manger Rips on Class, Power, and Privilege

The Bible tells a story about three groups of people involved in the first advent story: an unmarried pregnant woman, pagan, idolatrous “wise” men, and a small band of dishonest, probably smelly guys; all believed, at the time, to be the spiritual rejects of 1st century Judean culture.

The story begins with the smelly guys, hanging out in the middle of nowhere, watching some sheep that belong to a wealthy person who’s entrusted them with the care of thier property…

…in the middle of nowhere…

…no witnesses.

As you can imagine, being a shepherd comes with certain difficulties associated with people whose resources are limited. It was common to return the herd to its owner light a few heads of sheep; wolves and/or thieves being the most frequent explanation.

But everyone knew that if you send a poor person out into the Judean countryside’s nether-regions, in full view of nobody, they’ll probably help themselves, then lie about it.

Who could blame them?

That was the reputation of shepherds in Jesus’ day. I’m sure there were some honest ones among them, but the idea of this story isn’t to paint a peaceful, pastoral scene. It opens with a group of known/likely criminals, at night, who’d probably just finished off some of their boss’ property.

So when the sky lights up and the angel appears, the first century Jewish reader would immediately think that punishment is coming. That’s why the shepherds were “sore” afraid. It’s not just that angels, as the Bible describes them, are scary as hell, it’s that the author wants to give you an idea of what’s going on in the mind of a bad guy when one of God’s angels appears, usually the herald of retribution and justice in the Old Testament.

It’s brilliant storytelling, especially considering what comes next.

Instead of punishment, the shepherds are sent to herald Messiah’s arrival.

Messiah.

Like, the one sent directly from God to make everything right: believed to be the most powerful human the world would ever see, God in flesh of all things, formally announced to the muckety-mucks of Israel by some of the worst people imaginable.

Why? Does God not understand the finer points of marketing?
It doesn’t matter what these shepherds said, or how they said it, nobody’s going to show up.

Nobody important.

The author is intentionally jerking around with our feeble understandings of how God works and why He does what He does. He’s taken our worship of good behavior as well as our perspective of who’s good/who’s bad/etc. and injected a serious dose of tension in the hopes that our minds might be oriented towards something higher.

To better understand the gist of this story, there’s an Old Testament verse that helps us out, one from a prophet who predates Jesus by 700 years, believed to be talking about the coming Messiah:

“Every valley He shall raise up,
every mountain and hill will be made low”
~Isaiah 40:4

I’ve always been fascinated that our oldest copy of Isaiah’s words predate Jesus by 175 years.

In this prophet’s mind, the important people will be brought low and the losers will be exalted. When this work is finished, everyone will be on the same level. No more social caste systems where money, accomplishment, good looks, etc. make someone more important than someone who hasn’t managed to distinguish themselves.

Hence the smelly bad guys, regardless of their reputation, are given an express elevator straight to the top.

But, for those of us who’ve become a bit too enamored with good behavior, we ask, “Does God not care about their sin?” Most of the people in this shepherd crowd aren’t, for the moment, hungry. They’re guilty, bellies full of stolen meat, now running around town like idiots trying convince everyone else to come to a cow stall to see a king.

Surely God doesn’t appreciate people like this, much less give them a seat of honor at the table.

Personally, I’m left completely baffled, with no cute, nerdy resolutions for the tension this creates. I do however believe that God loves it when us spiritual know-it-all’s throw up our hands and confess one the most powerful theological truths a human can embrace:

“I don’t know.”

The only thing I can respond with is this: if we’re to partner with God in His work to “flatten hills” and “fill valleys,” this story, first and foremost, indicts us.

If you’re wondering why our churches are, predominately, white and wealthy, guess no further. There’s a reason why we’re so homogeous, why our buildings are so grand new. Nobody wants to worship in a dump, with people who have no choice but to worship anywhere else.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my church, and my faith. They’ve both conspired to produce a middle-aged cajun male who’d otherwise be a complete wreck. I’d add that Christianity in general has done America a world of good.

But we have to accept the fact that there are some unsavory aspects of American culture that have infiltrated the ranks of American Christianity.

The American social caste system is one of them.

We ascribe high value to a certain cross section of people in our culture, usually folk whose lives are distinguished by influence, money, accomplishments, etc.

The more distinguishables you manage to acquire, the more value you have, and vice versa. Church is no different. Everyone wants to be friends with the pastor, or the influential people, the pretty ones, etc., while the plain folk sit in the background, some happily so.

The manger scene is a story that details the fact that God doesn’t play this game, and serves as an invitation for us to join in the games He does play.

But that involves two activities, both unsavory to the American Christian mind.

First, we have to open our hearts and minds to the people we’ve deemed unworthy. But we’ve deemed them so for a reason. They don’t think the right way about God, or, more importantly, our version acceptible behavior. They pose some kind of threat to us and/or our wellbeing. They sit on the wrong side of the political hill and therefore can’t be Christian, and therefore all of the above.

Some of us believe that the sins of others will earn damnation from God.

Those are the exact reasons why the important people in the manger story didn’t associate with the losers. In their minds, there were sound, legitimate, oftentimes spiritual reasons not to associate with such folk.

That’s why these self-proclaimed servants of the Lord were given the same invitation as the shepherds, sans the metaphysical part, and declined. God said, “O come all ye faithful” through the mouths of low people – a method sure to fail – and it He was understandably rejected.

But as it is in so many other Bible stories, the losers turn out to be the winners.

And vice versa.

Second, we’ll need to remember where our good fortune comes from, and what we’re supposed to do with it. I don’t mean to imply that if you’ve mined some success from this rock we live on that you don’t deserve it, but there are plenty of people working harder than you do who don’t have half as much.

The scriptures seem to suggest that whatever we have hangs on the whim of the almighty: our fortune can change at the snap of his fingers.

As such, we’re compelled to be thankful for our blessings, but to also reflect on the power they give us, and how we might use that power for people that don’t have as much. Money, influence, popularity, etc. can all be used on behalf of someone else, but we tend instead to expend our energy and resourses protecting what we have.

Got lots of money? Popularity? Fame? Influence? What’s your plan? Hold on for dear life, protect it with everything you have, or let go and wield its true power?

“Whoever seeks to keep their life will lose it.
Whoever loses their life will find it.”
~ Luke 17:33

Jesus seemed to think that life is not earned, or bought/sold, it’s given by God to those who best understand the one that controls it.

That might sound crazy to you, but to me it’s an invitation to let go of the things I’ve been given so that they can do more than they ever would sitting idle in my bank account.

But forget the Bible, spiritual, metaphysical stuff. How you interface with humanity is fundamental to your happiness. Deeming others unacceptable/unholy/unworthy of your investment is the quickest way to a life nobody wants.

Worse, it’s impossible to hold yourself in the same regard that God does, while simultaneously distancing yourself, for whatever reason, from people who aren’t worthy of your company.

Either way, if you’ve audited your life and found that it more closely resembles the people who stayed comfortable in the manger story, you’ll have a difficult truth to face. But for most of us Christians, we’re too busy auditing our Bible knowlege, ruminating over the finer points of culturall faithfulness, and trying to figure out how we might keep from losing “what matters most” to worry about what our associations might suggest about our deeper beliefs.

But it’s here that I’ll have to stop talking and instead reflect on what I’ve said above. When it comes to judging/marginalizing/distancing, I’m the chiefest of sinners, easily in danger of saying no to God’s invitations when they’re not wrapped in pretty bows.

Suffice it to leave you with a scene from another brilliant story, on Ebenezer Scrooge as he peered out his bedroom window after Jacob Marley’s visit:

“The air was filled with phantoms, wandering hither and thither in restless haste, and moaning as they went. Every one of them wore chains like Marly’s ghost; some few (they might be guilty governments) were linked together; none were free. Many had been personally known to Scrooge in their lives. He had been quite familiar with one old ghost, in a white waist-coat, with a monstrous iron safe attached to its ancle, who cried piteously at being unable to assist a wretched woman with an infant, whom it saw below, upon a door-step. The misery with them all was, clearly, that they sought to interfere, for good, in human matters, and had lost this power for ever.”

Reflecting on the power that we have, hoping we use it, and wishing you a happy holiday.

The Power of Mundanity

“…for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.” ~ George Eliot, Middlemarch

7 years ago, Elaine and I bought the best house I’ve ever lived in. It was still being built, almost complete, sitting a block away from where she worked. Buying it was the quickest adult decision we’d ever made together.

I couldn’t wait to get moved in, settle the financials on our other house, unpack, and begin this new, amazing chapter. The Landry’s had finally arrived.

For the first six months it felt like I was living in a luxury hotel. Every single thing was new, fresh, hip; a huge master bed/bath, each kid gets their own room, bathrooms all over the place, two sinks in the kitchen, and a blank-slate yard awaiting my mediocre landscaping skills.

The entire experience was life-changing.

For about 6 months.

Then it felt like my old life showed up on the front porch like a tiny, mangy dog that nobody wanted, who’d finally wandered home. Things quickly snapped back to “normal,” and life began to feel like it always does. Our best house was no longer new, amazing, shiny. It had morphed into something not unlike our old house; a fancy box where we live out our often mundane, day-to-day life.

But I knew this was coming. My 53 years of experience with material possessions has taught me that they never bring appreciable change to life beyond what they cost and the space they occupy.

I’m just as happy/content in our new house as I was in the old one.

I’ve experienced this with cars, toys, careers, physiques, etc. Everything’s new and exciting on the front end, then, in short order, life goes back to it’s old, normal, mangy self.

As many times as I’ve been through this, it’s still hard not to bet a few hopes and dreams on the next material thing. I have a hard time, for example, believing that the newest Lambo Huracan EVO wouldn’t change everything.

thankless It won’t. It can’t. It doesn’t have that kind of power. Outside of the things that keep us alive and healthy, there’s nothing material on this planet that can de-mange this place.

But the belief that they can is the number one cause of American thanklessness.

Already, 7 years into our “new” house, I’m jealous of other people’s houses, wondering again if a newer, nicer, bigger place wouldn’t make things better.

And that’s insane.

Our house is great. There’s plenty of room to stretch out. Our kids can run amok in the basement. It’s close to downtown, Elaine’s work; walking distance to both schools. We’re lucky, blessed to have it. And when I stop and reflect on what I love about this place (like I’m doing now), it feels good, relaxing.

When I’m feeling thankful, the pressure to find “more” is off, and when you’re old and tired, any opportunity to rest in peace this side of the other side is a welcomed one. When I’m not trying to escape my life, or dreaming of a completely different one, I’m present in this one, much more likely to see the power and beauty of what’s happening around me. And much more likely to be thankful for what I have.

You’d think that faith would help me here, but it’s a bit of a struggle. My belief that material possessions possess power they don’t possess clashes with the fact that God possesses power that I struggle to trust. Like all of humanity before me, I’m tempted to make a god out of something that isn’t.

Instead of resting in the fact that God is overthrown by me and will grind whatever grist the mill requires to make sure I get the life I’m supposed to have, I dream of a different one, marked by new and shiny things, full of power and glory.

Amen.

But I’m finally ready to throw up my hands and face the facts of my world, i.e., the universe seems hell bent on forcing it’s mundane, scruffy ways upon us. All of us. Those with the financial power to attempt an escape will go crazy in the process, and spend tons of money in the effort.

As it turns out, however, mundanity is good; it has a purpose. And when we’re not afraid of it, spending everything in our power to escape, we’re more likely to be present to the things that are truly powerful.

I’m personally struck by how mundanity makes it into my memories. When I think about the past 7 days, for example, though they were full of challenges, most of what I remember is the good stuff: driving my youngest kids to school in the morning, sitting with my oldest and having somewhat deep, connecting conversations.

My memory of last week is full of good, heartwarming moments.

To be sure, there were bad things that went down, and I remember them: breaking up a million fights, exhaustion, fatigue, a thousand really boring conversations. But there aren’t any emotions/discomfort/etc. tied to them. It’s almost like the boring, scruffy, discouraging moments never happened.

Those things don’t make it into my memory like the good ones do.

But if you ask me about the coming week, it’ll dig up all kinds of negative feelings. I know that next week will be filled with boring, mundane, seemingly meaningless moments that I’ll have to slog through, over and over again. It makes me tired thinking about it.

But if it wasn’t for the boring, scraggly, who-wants-a-life-like-this? episodes, I’d have no appreciation whatsoever for the other stuff.

Mundanity isn’t a sign that my life sucks, or that I’m living in the wrong one, it’s an invitation to see the good stuff, a vital part of the right life.