Why blaming everyone else for your crappy life is killing you

Blaming everyone and everything but yourself for the crappy things in your life is is typically referred to as “playing the victim.”  It’s a popular way to respond when things don’t shake out as they should because it feels good, it’s easy, and everyone else does it.  And, if you want to live a truly crappy life, this is the best place to start.

I should know.

I’ve been married for almost 15 years now.  My wife, like every human on the planet, has habits, personality quirks, and character flaws that make my life difficult.  It feels unfair to me that I should be forced to live with them.

For our first 10 years together I decided that it would be best for her to change.  What I soon learned is that the worst things about her are not easily changed.  Many of them are well-rooted, and, like everyone else’s junk, the result of something painful she experienced long before we met.

Imagine my shock when I also learned that I bring some not-so-savory things to the marriage table.  Unorganized, irresponsible, angry, overly sensitive, smelly, snorey (full list provided upon request).  It’s just as downright unfair to her, and she’s spent just as much time as I have trying to change me with similar affect.

So we’ve both spent a fair bit of our marriage playing the victim, believing something akin to “I can never be happy here” and being completely miserable.

I know people that hop from job to job with the same spirit – “So and so is hard to deal with,” “I need to leave,” “I can’t be happy until I have the right job.”

I have a friend who frequently says that the wrong job is one of the best things you can experience.  Learning to be un-miserable in a bad work situation is key to learning how to live an un-miserable life.

We play the victim in our relationships, with our kids, even our hobbies.  Every time a bad situation pops up, it’s tempting to view ourselves as the hapless pawn, completely unable to find happiness until things change.  The reality is that there will always be something crappy in our lap – something that will be hard to deal with – completely out of our control.

I came to an understanding recently in our marriage that I brought some very difficult things into our relationship that were there before I met my wife, that these things were within my control to change, and that I have a better chance of changing myself than changing anyone else.

I’ve also discovered that compassion, forgiveness, patience and growing in my ability to love Elaine without condition are very powerful tools, all of which I can wield at my whim.  They’re heavy, but not impossible.

The more I do this, the more my eyes are opened to her true beauty, as well as the power and majesty that is my own life. I’m not as distracted by crappyness as I used to be, and far less miserable.

Our best life is waiting for us, just inches beyond our greatest challenges.

Playing the victim, on the other hand, leaves us miserable because a) things usually don’t change and b) we’re so busy trying to change things we can’t change that we miss out on the good stuff flying around within arm’s reach.

A good life requires strength, the kind of strength that can only be gained by facing the hard things of life head-on, doing our best to get through (getting a mentor if we don’t know what that looks like), and not giving up until the storm has subsided.

Got a bad relationship?  A bad job? A bad marriage?  The best way to live un-crappily is to stick it out – work out your “deal with it” muscles, stretch yourself and be less affected the next time something bad comes up.

What we’ll find in the end is that these bad situations aren’t what make our lives miserable, it’s the miserable way we deal with them, and our failure to find the good life that lies just ahead.

Rest Your Brain to Boost Productivity

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No matter what method you try, or what advice you take, if your brain is worn out, you’re screwed.

Many believe that stress is good – you have to get that adrenaline flowing to get anything done. But stress keeps your brain on red alert, firing neurons like pistons on the Space Shuttle and releasing all kinds of stress-related hormones and making you a really tired person. When your mind is tired, you’re not functioning at full capacity, and you’re sure to get behind. It’s ironic really, the harder you try to be productive when your brain’s worn out, the worse it gets.

Why Stress Management Doesn’t Work

Let’s be honest – stress is fear. If you reflect upon the things you’re stressing about, you’ll quickly understand that there are all kinds of things flying around that are scaring you. “What if so-and-so outperforms me?” “What if I don’t meet my deadline?” “Who am I if I can’t rise above my peers?” We like to call this “stress” because it feels…

I wrote this post for Lifehack.org. You can see the rest here.

Uncle Don’s Cabin: Why so many Evangelicals are still Pulling for Trump

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Photo credit: Kenny Wiley/First Unitarian Society of Denver

Evangelicals are jumping off of the Republican ticket like never before – a truly unprecedented exodus.  But an estimated 65% still remain faithful.  While it’s true that Trump’s strong words against abortion, Gay rights, and the most vile human being an Evangelical can imagine have left so many still swooning, two recent studies suggest that Donald Trump’s racial animus might be playing a key role in this unholy union.

Racial Bias in the Church

The Barna Group, an Evangelical polling firm based in Ventura, California recently released  the results of two surveys they conducted on racial tension in America.  Of all the groups queried, Evangelicals were most likely to believe that racism is a thing of the past, that people of color face no race-based disadvantage, and that reverse discrimination is a far more serious problem.

Evangelicals were also most likely to respond to the Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement with the phrase “All lives matter,” which Donald Trump and his congregants used to shut down a small group of BLM activists at a campaign rally in Virginia.  As an Evangelical minister of 15 years, having watched “All Lives Matter” gain so much popularity in the church, I can assure you that it has nothing to do with God, or love for humanity, and everything to do with white people responding to BLM’s appeals for justice with something akin to “Hey Black folk, you never had it so good.  Shut the hell up.”

Brooke Hempell, Vice President of research at the Barna Group, summarized their findings with the following perspective:

Our research confirms the fear that the church (or the people in it) may be part of the problem in the hard work of racial reconciliation…

More than any other segment of the population, white evangelical Christians demonstrate a blindness to the struggle of their African American brothers and sisters… This is a dangerous reality for the modern church. Jesus and his disciples actively sought to affirm and restore the marginalized and obliterate divisions between groups of people. Yet, our churches and ministries are still some of the most ethnically segregated institutions in the country…

By failing to recognize the disadvantages that people of color face—and the inherent privileges that come from growing up in a ‘majority culture’—we perpetuate the racial divisions, inequalities and injustices that prevent African American communities from thriving…

Dr. Jarvis Williams offers this lament from the perspective of an Evangelical seminary professor, and a person of color:

…I’ve learned to accept that there will be many evangelicals who will simply never get it, and they could care less whether they do. Just say the words, for example, white supremacy, systemic injustice, institutional racism, mass incarceration, or racialization in certain evangelical contexts and notice the deer in the head lights look on the faces of the Jesus-loving people to whom you speak those words. Their response of ignorance, apathy, or frustration will symbolically represent the fact that some Jesus-loving, bible-saturated Christians will simply never get the race issue.

Evangelical leaders have come out in droves to disavow Trump and his racist, violent, abusive, misogynistic persona.  Others have refused to respond to the BLM’s cries for justice with “All Lives Matter,” seeing it for the blatantly racist mantra that it is.

There are still so many who have yet to be converted.

This cross section of Evangelical Christianity might not be racist the way is a Klansman is racist, or an antebellum plantation owner – it’s more of a “What?  Me? Racist?” sort of thing, until someone cries “reverse discrimination,” or “Black Lives Matter,” then this brand of racism shows itself kin to the ages-old spirit that birthed it – one that for centuries has managed to hitch a ride on the holy heels of God’s white army.

Trump Supporters and Racism

Analysts of a recent survey conducted by The American National Election Studies have drawn a direct correlation between Trump support and racial prejudice.

On just about every measure, support for Trump increased along with measured racial animus.   … increased levels of overt racial stereotyping among white respondents — as measured by belief that black people, Muslims, and Hispanics are “lazy” or “violent” — strongly increases support for Trump, even after controlling for other factors.

In other words, If you’re a Trump fan, especially at this stage in the game, you might be harboring some less-than-Biblically-appropriate feelings towards people of color.

Maybe Trump knows what he’s doing.  Racist folk are historically fearful, angry, and not-so-highly educated.  These negative, unchecked passions could easily be used as “leverage,” the one thing Trump claims is fundamental to closing any deal.  The 2016 campaign has shown us that there’s more than enough racist energy in the US – specifically among Evangelicals – to make Trump a legitimate contender for the White House, so long as he leverages it properly.

Either way, he’s made it clear that easing racial tensions in the US, challenging systems that advance or perpetuate white privilege, and giving voice to historically marginalized/mistreated people are all issues  that  his administration won’t be tackling.  The ever-increasing cries of injustice from the Black community will continue to be met with clueless racist slogans, along with frequent reminders that there’s nothing to complain about, while we send the Muslims packing and build a wall to keep the Mexicans out.

Sadly, Trump’s vision of a shiny white America might be giving so many Evangelicals hope; and hope trumps reason every time.