Alcohol, Parenting, Marriage, Friendship, and Coping.

If you’re in a relationship; be it marriage, parenting, friends, whatever, and you find yourself frequently feeling cheated, treated unfairly, or that you’re in need of a complete squad rebuild, it might be the alcohol.

Hang with me here. I’m a bit of an expert: a middle-aged-at-home-cajun with a long line of boozy ancestry.

I wasn’t much of a drinker in my single days – there was never a lot money, or room in the tiny bachelor fridge. But the rigors of early married life were a bit harsh on my unhealed parts, and I didn’t have the tools required for healthy navigation, so I latched on to the world’s most popular coping mechanism, and for the first time, began to struggle.

My relationship with alcohol has been off-and-on over the past 15 years or so. I’m a former pastor who still attends church and part of a community of faithful people. We’re not teetotalists, but addictive behavior beyond Sunday AM donut/coffee binging, or too much football watching, tends to raise flags.

When drinking gets a bit too regular, or when I start to feel like life isn’t any fun without it, I take a break, which always feels great. I sleep better, feel good about myself for making big boy choices, and consider quitting for good.

I’m not sure that will ever happen. I have too many friends who are like minded – it’s fun to blow off steam with them.

And nothing heals a boring Bible study like a glass of whiskey.

But I’ve begun to notice a few things about the effects of regular drinking.

It seems to make me less patient with the kids, and I get tempted to feel like my wife isn’t living up to her end of the bargain. My friends get on my nerves. Something inside switches gears, even when I don’t have a drink in my hand. I become more childish, much more likely to argue, or feel like everything’s wrong, etc.

This jives with Psychology Today’s take on the issue:

” …heavy or even moderate drinking can cause a person to be more aggressive, disinhibited, defensive, sensitive, and irrational. These psychological effects can persist even after alcohol is out of your system, and in the long term can change brain function.”

To sum up the experts – if you’re unhappy/unthankful about the under-performance of others in your life, it might be the booze.

So, I try to limit drinking to a few times per week, which is getting easier since I’ve come to realize that the effects of alchol aren’t limited to whether or not it’s in my system. It’s a “sticky” drug, as most drugs are, and seems to ripple far beyond it’s intended use.

It’s also been helpful to take an occasional, longer break, say a month or so. Given my genetic predispositions, and some emotional/situational things that are currently less than savory, it’s a good reset, a solid reminder that I have tons to be thankful for, and that I don’t need alcohol to be happy.

When I’m healthy here, I’m healthy in most other places, especially parenting. Our kids are young, and constantly needing/wanting attention, begging me to settle an argument, dole out more gum, TV, etc. It’s maddening, but tolerable when I’m making adult choices.

And marriage? My wife is an amazing, attractive, hard working human being who works tirelessly at loving her husband and her family. The woman let me buy an old, beat up, money-sucking jeep for God’s sake.

I married up, and in general, life is good. I’m not in need of “more” in any arena, and less inclined these days to let unimportant things get in the way of what makes me thankful.

 

I’ve also come to realize that alchohol is a horrible coping mechanism.

The more I cope this way, the weaker my natural, adult coping mechanisms become. Coping with alcohol isn’t really coping at all, it’s more like hiding, refusing to cope.

The more I drink to cope, the less I actually cope, which makes me really bad at coping.

It’s like any other ability – if we don’t exercise ourselves, we become weak.

Coping with alcohol has never worked, it’s only made coping harder, which makes alcohol make more sense.

So, when drinking becomes a regular thing, all I can see are problems; mole-hills that quickly morph into mountains. In these spaces, resetting/taking a break/etc. always works.

But when I’m in the thick of it, it feels impossible to quit, like it’ll kill me if I don’t have at least one beer after dinner, which always turns into two, because alcohol and adult decision making never pair well.

I have a friend who quit drinking altogether. He’s a fun, engaging, interesting guy who’ll always have a ton of questions about how I’m doing, what’s new, etc. He’s living proof that, at the least, taking a break won’t kill anybody.

But if you’re reading this, feeling like it would be utterly impossible to quit, or take some time off, or limit your drinking, I’d recommend getting some help. This problem can get serious, fast, and again, has a long, distinguished history of wrecking everything we love.

But if you’re up for it, try taking a week off. It’ll feel impossible, and worse, permanently painful, but it’s not – that kind of pain is always a good thing, a sign that we’re headed in the right direction. The pursuit of anything good will always hurt, and simultaneously bring more joy than the “comfort” that comes from avoiding difficult things.

Learning to live, in healthy ways, under the strain of good relationships is no exception.

For me, keeping the most important things in the most imporant place, and making sure that my life doesn’t revolve around garbage has always been, and will probably always be, a constant struggle.

But I’m getting used to the regular presence of struggle, and beginning to enjoy the good stuff that falls in my lap after we’ve spent some time together, especially with regards to the people in my life.