Finding Peace in a Men’s Restroom: Turns Out You Can Find it Anywhere

I’ve spent most of my life believing that my situation(s) determine(s) my ability to be happy – the right job, a great marriage, money, etc, and I’ve had several careers as a result.

But finding peace has always been a struggle for me.

I’ve had some fun moments and learned a ton of things that haven’t really helped in my latest career – stay at home dad. But there’s always been this nagging compulsion to change everything as soon as I start feeling bad about my life. Feeling like I can’t be happy until things change has always made me unhappy, especially when I can’t change things.

My thinking about all of this took a hit in my late 40’s when I was assaulted in a men’s airport restroom.

I left my wife at the gate with 3 crazy kids and hurried off to the bathroom hoping to be back in time to board. This particular facility was attended by an older (soon-to-be elderly) man of Middle Eastern descent.

I’ve got some pictures in my head of what retirement will look like. At worst I’ll be handing out carts at WalMart by day, living in a retirement community that surrounds a golf course in Florida, sipping Grand Marnier and smoking house-rolled cigars in the evening while watching Lost re-runs. Bathroom attendant? Not on the table.

This guy said nothing and everything to me. He had an air of respect, and a sense of peace about him as he looked me in the eye and said “have a nice day” as I was leaving. I turned around and put some money in his tip jar. His counter was perfectly arranged – combs, towels, cologne, some other things.

He taught me a ton about finding peace.

He seemed to be happy – working in an airport restroom – all. day. long. Funny how we can sense when someone’s happy. Like dogs smell fear, people smell peace. This guy had it in spades – you couldn’t get past him without getting it all over you.

I’ve been a pastor, pilot, restaurant manager, banker, and now I have 5 hours five days a week to kick back while my kids are at school and my wife goes off to support us all financially. He’s happy and I’m not? Something’s missing – he’s got something I don’t have. If it’s within his grasp it must be within mine.

In that moment I decided to start looking around at the things that are going well, the things I should be thankful for. As I did I began to realize that expecting-things-to-change-before-I-can-be-happy is a truly miserable way to live.

The more I flex this muscle the more I’m able to be happy even when things aren’t going well. When the kids are crazy, when my wife and I are fighting, when I screw up and everyone’s talking about it, when I walk out of the doctor’s office with a diagnosis for arthritis – when my life seems like an endless day in a restroom, I can still be thankful, and at peace.

I’m new to this and sometimes not very good at it. But I’m slowly learning that, somehow every day, I have everything I need to be at peace. The only thing that needs to change is my attitude.

It’s a new thought for me – I’ll never be at a place in life where I can’t find a sense of peace. I’ll never not be able to be happy.

Finding peace might be difficult, but it’s becoming more difficult to make excuses.

So, thank you nameless guy who’s face I’ll never forget. Our 20 second encounter, and the way you’re living your life has incited me to change mine – to get rid of some caustic attitudes, to open my eyes about what’s truly good and beautiful.

You slapped me in the face with your peace, your self-dignity, and your respect, and got some on me. Didn’t see that one coming.

A Story of Forgiveness that’s Kicking My Ass

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Nothing will eat your soul faster than unforgiveness. I’ve never met a miserable person, including myself at times, that didn’t hold multiple things against multiple people.

But there are some who will have none of it, regardless of the circumstances.

“I’m going back to the U.S. with a kiss on my cheek from a former Nazi.”

in 1944 Eva and Miriam Mozes along with their mother, father, and two other sisters climbed aboard a cattle car and were transported to the Auschwitz-Birkenau death camp. Mom, Dad, and two sisters were immediately dispatched while the 10 year old twins, Miriam and Eva were chosen to participate in Dr. Josef Mengele’s infamous medical experiments.

Eva was beaten close to death multiple times, injected with all manner of experimental things, and soon became gravely ill. It was hoped that she would die so that post-mortem comparative studies might be performed on herself and her twin. Had she died, her sister would have been murdered. Somehow they both survived.

Seventy years later, Eva was asked to testify against Oskar Groening, a German SS Officer posted at Auschwitz at the time of her internment – at the time 93 and charged with 300,000 counts of accessory to murder. If there’s anyone who has a right to hate this guy, seek revenge, live in unforgiveness, it’s this lady.

She went the other way.

How to Forgive Someone Who Doesn’t Deserve it

My forgiveness … has nothing to do with the perpetrator, has nothing to do with any religion, it is my act of self-healing, self-liberation and self-empowerment. I had no power over my life up to the time that I discovered that I could forgive, and I still do not understand why people think it’s wrong. (from NPR “‘It’s For You to Know that You Forgive’ says Holocaust Survivor”)

After her testimony she approached Groening. They talked, embraced, she asked if he was doing OK, then begged him to find a voice within contemporary Neo-Nazi groups – to talk from a first-hand perspective about the importance of all people.

That was her revenge.

In my almost 50 years of life I’ve been lied to, laughed at, beaten, betrayed, robbed, humiliated, etc., but nothing in my life compares to what this woman endured and forgave. If someone like Eva Kor can forgive, who now suffers from cancer compliments of Dr. Mengele, I have to believe that it’s within my power to forgive whatever might fall in my lap.

But it ain’t easy. We’ll always be scratching our heads wondering, “how do you forgive someone who doesn’t deserve it?”

Forgiveness is painful. It forces me to remember the infraction and the hurt it caused. It’s WAY easier to stay pissed off, play the victim, talk about the perpetrator behind their back, live in anger, etc. And unforgiveness feels good. It allows me to imagine that I’m “right” and they’re “wrong,” or better, I’m “good” and they’re “bad.” It’s a wonderful salve for a hurting soul and a very popular method for living a life that truly sucks.

It also feels like a grave injustice to let something go unpunished. But don’t get me wrong, forgiveness doesn’t mean we forget what happened, or make excuses for people. We can and should confront, ask for apologies, even mete out consequences. But in those frequent cases where we don’t get the appropriate response, we’ll have to forgive.

If we don’t, we’ll soon learn that the greatest injustice of unforgiveness is the prison that it places us in. We surrender so much of ourselves – our happiness, peace, hope, etc. – so that we might hang on to the evil that was perpetrated against us.

That’s what Eva Kor refused to do, and left me without excuse.

Why Marginalizing Others Doesn’t Work

You don’t just wake up one morning feeling shame, someone has to give it to you

You can do it in the privacy of your own mind and it will very quickly destroy your ability to be happy. Marginalizing happens when we consider someone, or a group of someones, to be lower than us – we diminish their value as people…

…and it feels wonderful.

The Fine Art of Marginalizing People

To do this, you’ll need three things in your toolbox that most people have readily available.

First, you’ll need to question your own value.

This is the hallmark of depression – feeling like you never measure up, like you have to always be doing more – one tiny slip and the world will know how crappy you are. Most people deal with this by finding some arena where they might perform – work, physical appearance, money, things, influential friends – as long as these things are in play, self-value is seldom questioned.

Take these away and a very shaky self-image emerges.

I have a friend who always tells me about how much he appreciates himself, but spends a ton of time ripping a certain group of people. What he loves is that he’s a very responsible person – what he hates is people who are irresponsible.

He’s a young guy and will live like this for awhile, but it will require a ton of emotional energy. Most guys wear out around mid-life, try like hell to find the self that was lost (usually with a Harley and a ton of alcohol), then give up and get depressed.

Second, you’ll need to hold something close to your heart that you consider to be disgusting, deplorable, unjust, gross, unsightly, etc – a behavior, a “look,” a philosophy, a cause, an orientation – something that, when you see someone else doing it, makes you cringe, and it has to be something you don’t do, at least not in public.

What I’ve found is that this thing that we hate usually reminds us of ourselves. My friend with the responsibility issues was raised with a lot of shame surrounding responsibility – there’s a mountain of unresolved hurt in that guy’s heart and it’s led him to believe that the only people with true value are the ones who are truly responsible – and that he’s a piece of junk every time he drops a ball.

Third, you’ll need to have been a victim of marginalizing at some point in your past.

Most of us have been there – this is a popular thing to do to people, especially to kids. We want our kids to a) not be completely insane and b) have great lives – so we push them, frequently using shame which a) is one of the best motivators ever and b) sends the very clear message “you’re only valuable if you ______.”

do your homework
get good grades
stay in shape
make lots of money
lead something
behave
look good
make me look good

Most of us are raised believing that we’re only valuable under certain conditions. If those conditions are broken, we’ll feel shame which, regardless of what you believe about human origin, is something humanity was never designed to deal with.

Shame drives all sorts of miserable behavior – addiction, destruction, bad grades, bad relationships, bad attitudes – but you don’t just wake up one morning feeling shame, someone has to give it to you.

How you look at people can make you miserable

I’m going to throw out something that you may have never heard before. It will sound strange at first, it did to me, but I want to invite you to let this sink in for a bit before you do anything with it.

How you view people determines your ability to be happy

If you look at humanity in general and see something amazing, you have a better chance at happiness than you do if you ascribe value to people under more conditional terms.

If the only people who are valuable to you are the people who add value to your life, or the people you look up to, or the people who perform well, your happiness will be just as conditional.

When we were kids, most of us thought this way – that all people are essentially good, and we were happy. As we grew up we were taught to place conditions on the value of others – to find joy in looking down on people – which somehow resulted in our placing conditions on our own value. It seems that the older we get, the harder it is to be at peace.

Give it a shot – spend a day or two looking past the blemishes to see the real beauty of people (and leave some comments – I’d love to hear your stories).

When the impulse comes upon you to judge someone, strip someone of their value, marginalize someone, resist – understand that the impulse comes from something inside you that has nothing to do with the other person.