For many years I thought I was in a bad marriage. “A good marriage wouldn’t be this hard,” I reasoned in the early days. Fast forward a few years, some good books, many conversations, and both sides of marriage therapy, and I soon learned that all marriage is hard marriage.
Among other difficulties, Elaine and I unwittingly traipsed into some deep emotional wounds/problems/issues/etc. that were firmly established well before we met. Doing life together meant that we’d have to deal with it all, and we’d have to do it together.
It’s one of the most difficult things I’ve ever pursued, but it’s also one of the best. She and I have made so many great memories, overcome much, and, in a way that’s difficult to articulate, become “one.” It’s weird; she’s becoming like me: more disorganized and scattered (just a little), while my level of responsibility and attention to detail are currently unprecedented.
Hard as marriage is, what we’ve managed to build is ultimately a good thing.
I’d say the same for our child-rearing odyssey: super hard and super good in equal proportions.
Add my difficult pursuits in ministry along with some personal experiences of other people doing good things and I’m comfortable forever testifying that nothing good is easy.
Marriage, kids, vocation, generosity, benevolence, humility, intelligence, honesty, leadership, education, or whatever this world requires to function properly; if we pursue it, and it’s good, it’s also going to be difficult.
MLK went after something good, so did Jesus, and they had to walk through hell to get it. Granted, the world was blessed by their pursuit, but what a raw deal, eh?
This arrangement makes me a little angry. Why is the world set up this way? From my religious perspective, God could have ordered things any way he wanted. Why put this particular rule into the cosmos? It makes me want to not pursue good things.
But that would be hard too. It seems that we were created to create, to explore, to build, heal, love. A life without those things might very well be more difficult than a life dedicated to them.
In Hell
Lots of famous people have written about their struggles with adversity and what they found by persevering through them. There’s not much written about the virtues of quitting and all of the blessings that come from it.
If you’re stuck in the middle of a good pursuit, thinking about giving up, convinced that there can be no possible good on the other side of your struggle, and/or that your struggle will never end, following are some thoughts from people who, I’ll argue, had it tougher that we do. I don’t mean to demean your pain, but others have walked through something that’s at least similar in scope, and saw something on the other side.
When hardships come into your life it breaks you for a while, but when it is done with you, you evolve into a new person. ~ Madalsa Sharma
“Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald
“The best way out is always through.” – Robert Frost
“Hollowness: that I understand. I’m starting to believe that there isn’t anything you can do to fix it. That’s what I’ve taken from the therapy sessions: the holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mold yourself through the gaps” ~ Paula Hawkins
“Your friends will believe in your potential, your enemies will make you live up to it.” ~ Tim Fargo
” …we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” ~ St. Paul
“Life has moments that feel as if the sun has blackened to tar and the entire world turned to ice. It feels as if Hades and his vile demons have risen from the depths of Tartarus solely for the purpose of banding to personally torture you, and that their genuine intent of mental, emotional, and spiritual anguish is tearing you to shreds. Your heart weighs as heavily as leaden legs which you would drag yourself forward with if not for the quicksand that pulls you down inch by inch, paralyzing your will and threatening oblivion. And all the while fire and brimstone pour from the sky, pelting only you.
Truly, that is what it feels like. But that feeling is a trial that won’t last forever.” ~ Richelle E. Goodrich
“We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.” ~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“There’s a bit of magic in everything, and some loss to even things out.” ~ Lou Reed
Through Hell
These thoughts didn’t come from the minds of young, sexy people who drive the right cars and wear the right clothes and do all the young, cool, sexy things. They came from older, battle-hardened humans who walked across the Devil’s lawn enough times to know that there are so many better things to pursue than sexiness.
There’s something that happens to us in these moments of hardship, something that doesn’t happen when we decide, understandably, to quit. We get something out of the deal that we simply can’t find anywhere else; namely, the strength and courage required for the best pursuits.
But this is another thing about the cosmos that irks me: the only place to buy that kind of strength and courage is in moments that require strength and courage.
I’ve said this a million times I know, but we’re all looking for life, i.e., meaning, fun, intimacy, joy, significance, true pleasure, laughter.
And we’ll find none of it in places that don’t require strength and courage.
It’s interesting to note that Jesus said (my paraphrase), “You want life? Put your life in my hands. Let me have it. Turn it over to me and you’ll find more than you could ever hope to find on your own.”
I’ll boldy testify to anyone who’ll listen: he was right. But 0 of the times that I’ve managed to hand over my life have been easy.
And they have all been, without exception, good.
If you want to quit, I get it. I certainly have, many times. But don’t quit because the associated difficulties have you convinced that you’re on the wrong track. There are no good pursuits that don’t carry with them a mountain of adversity.
If you’re in the middle of something awful and you can’t quit, I’ll cite two promises from scripture.
The first is the idea that adversity will always be with us, regardless of what we pursue. The second is that God will always be just as present, if not more so, as our hardest moments. I don’t simply mean that we can be comforted by his presence.
I mean to say that he has a plan.
The future moves forward at God’s whim, not at the whim of randomness and certainly not at the whim of people. It’s an impossible thing for humanity to reconcile, our minds are too frail: somehow we have the freedom to do whatever we want – barring teleportation, flying, and some other things – while at the same time being part of a future that unravels according to a predetermined plan.
If we decide to persevere, we submit to powers beyond ours, and to a future that is unknown, beyond the fact that we will experience something that lies between utter failure and brilliant success.
If we quit, we become part of a different narrative, but at least we get to be the one in the driver’s seat and experience whatever pleasure that comes from being in control.
I can’t say that I’m unashamed of the times that I’ve quit, and I wonder what I missed out on, what could have been built had I stuck with it. But I wouldn’t trade my current life, or the hell that came with it, for anything. For the people who have been blessed by my perseverance, I would do it a thousand times again.
