I have some confidence that the pandemic will end at some point. The great 1918 flu outbreak seemed to wear itself out after about 2 years, earlier in the places that locked things down, took the pandemic seriously, etc. If we could all get on the same page with masks and distancing, we could get out of this much more quickly. For now, I’m geared up for another 1.5 years of weirdness.
I can’t say that I don’t worry about my family’s safety, or our country’s ability to keep its collective crap together, or the suffering that’s transpired/about to transpire. What I’m having the most trouble with is the fighting; our two youngest kids fight like crazy, exacerbated by lockdown, boredom, too much time in front of the TV, etc. This is where I suck the most at coping, melting down into an emotional three year old as soon as I hear the beginnnings of an altercation.
As I try to find different ways to embrace some positive coping skills, I’m learning that it’s not the fighting that bothers me. While I do worry about the impact that so many mean words are having on their soul, what really puts a burr in my saddle is that, in general, the failings of my children are, to me, a testimony to my own. When they fight, I feel like a failure, and I’m no fun to be around when I’m feeling shame. I lose my temper, use mean words, and perpetrate absolutely nothing that might help my kids get better at coping with the tension in their relationship.
One of the most positive coping skills I’ve discovered is to understand what it is that I’m trying to cope with.
Fear.
In all of these difficult arenas, it’s important to confess to myself, and maybe to a trusted confidant, that I’m afraid. I can’t tell you how freeing it is to come to grips with the fact that my kids’ fighting scares me. What does it say about me that things aren’t going well? What does it say about my world? If I can’t control this, what other future monster is going to come along and do something worse?
We’re not trying to cope with stress, anxiety, relationships, finances, etc. We’re trying to cope with fear. As tough-guy Americans, we’re abysmal at the fine art of saying “I’m afraid.” Fear is weakness, we don’t do that, so we focus on external things and avoid one of the most postive steps we can take towards getting better at coping. Sadly, the people who’s lives are most controlled by fear are the people who are most afraid of coming to grips with what truly frightens them.
When we’re afraid, the only path to peace is honesty.
There’s no coping without it.
I’ve also learned to admit that coping hurts. It causes pain – another thing us ‘Mericans don’t do well with. We live with a closet expectation that things only go right when we’re doing things right, vice versa when we’re screwing things up. Life is a gumball machine of sorts, blessing the winners, cursing the losers.
Pain and suffering always seem to be a sign that we’re doing something wrong.
But the ability to cope doesn’t come naturally. It’s not the result of a good attitude, or an innate ability only possessed by a lucky few. Positive coping skills are just that – skills. They must be learned, honed, practiced, etc. Read about them till your eyes bleed if you want to, but the only way to acquire them is to enter arenas that frighten us, ring the bell, and get to work. That’s the only classroom, the only place where coping skills can be built.
But that hurts, so you’ll understand why I don’t always practice what I preach. I do know people who are much more tar-heely here. They’re amazing.
In our belief that pain is bad, and in the bounty of wealthy, high-tech American culture, there are many tantalizing escapes at our fingertips (speaking from experience): booze, TV, ripping people to shreds on social media, blame, finger-pointing, Amazon, etc. Not all of these are inherently evil, and it’s important to know when to engage them and when to face reality, but it’s important to know when we’re relaxing and when we’re escaping.
Booze, for example, in the appropriate quantities, is good clean fun. Unfortunately, in excess, it turns us into children, blowing our stack when the world and her citizens don’t act like they’re supposed to. It’s a good example of how easy it is to fall into the trap of relaxing so much that coping becomes more difficult.
There’s one more skill that needs mentioning, one that has an enormous positive impact on anyone’s ability to cope.
People.
Do poorly here and watch your anxiety, and your ability to cope with it walk smartly out the door. I’m not sure how this works, but close relationships are fundamental to maturity, peace, and overall emotional wellbeing. Psychologists have been talking about this since the industrial revolution conspired with modern individualism to convince us that we don’t need each other.
Thankfully, medical experts have assured us that it’s OK to meet oustide, at a negligible distance (~6 feet), even without masks. A friend and I can take a walk, catch up, sit in a park, drink some beer, etc., and be safe. Pod quarantining, i.e., hanging out with others who are being careful, is capiche as well. Indoors is a different story as climate controlled, enclosed spaces exponentially increase the risk of infection, even with masks, so let’s avoid that, but we’ve been cleared for outside hang time and should go for it.
In all of these, I don’t mean to suggest that this is easy, and I certainly don’t offer my reflections as an exhaustive list of positive coping skills, mischief managed. This is simply what comes up for me as I work through these difficult times and think through the work required for change, and ultimately, peace.
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts, stories, and personal reflections on what’s working for you, and what’s not.
